I had a client consultation a few days ago by someone referred to me. He told me he’d be “interviewing” several prospects.

As I listened to him talk about the issues with his girlfriend – one of those being that she isn’t grateful for all of the opportunities his income provides – I could hear many openings for healing.

He turned that “captain of industry” energy on me ultimately, and asked, “So what makes you qualified to be my counselor?”

Men tend to jump toward challenges like this, where women tend to retreat. It’s like trying to get nectar from a tree by hitting it with a bulldozer.

This is a classic example of a man using a dominant style of relating to engage a woman. He applied force instead of gentleness, and what that did is force me to retreat and withdraw my heart.  You can’t pound the loving essence of out someone.

The point here is don’t challenge a woman like you challenge your men friends, if you want to connect with her and elicit her loving. Instead cherish and encourage, and gentle her to open her heart to you. This will always produce the sweetest nectar.

Karen Brody, copyright 2009. All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact the author.

Sexcess with men is all about mastering the art of seduction.

Let me explain, and make a distinction: I had a very sexy acquaintance in college, who liked to get men to take her to expensive dinners and then ditch them when the check arrived. She was not a seductress. She was a manipulator.

I have no interest in taking you down her path or teaching you her nasty tricks. Being a seductress is a respectable art form. Women who know how to seduce elegantly and masterfully, weave men right into their gorgeous webs, and into their hearts. The true seductress has fun with men, and she knows how to hold a man’s interest, even in committed relationship.

Most women haven’t a clue how to hold a man’s attention for any length of time, as demonstrated by what happens for women in relationship. Here are 5 Keys for how to take your power back.

Key 1

A man has to feel that he cannot have you. This ignites a fire in him. If he feels that he can easily have you, typically he will lose interest. The pursuit is not a pursuit.

This dynamic will shift once you are partners, or close lovers, but initially the “chase” is essential to the man’s excitement, to his interest –and his perception of success with you. Think of a hunter. If there is nothing to catch, he gets bored and goes home.

This doesn’t entirely disappear once you are committed. He still wants to feel that you’re a bit of a challenge or he loses interest. You can keep a man wondering and chasing by never fully turning yourself over to him.

In order to apply this principle, you need to get into a mindset where you are absolutely clear that if this man NEVER wanted to see you again, (even if he’s your husband) you would be ok – to such a degree that you would live your life fully and happily, without him! It’s the only way to be so confident, so elusive, that he chases you for years to come.

The key is to date him (or if he’s your partner, engage with him) as if you could, let him go, for good — at any moment. This will free you up to be sexy, irreverent and independent.

In fact, keep letting him go on every breath. This is a daily practice for non-attachment. The less you are attached, the more you can fully enjoy him, and the more he wants to enjoy you and lavish you with his attention. When I say, “attached” I mean that you’re gripping and holding onto him out of fear. This is very different from loving him.

You’ll feel truly powerful when you aren’t clinging to his approval, his desire for you, or hopes for a relationship with him –or trying to hold onto his involvement in your relationship. Let it all go, and be free within yourself.

Key 2

Make fun of him and his efforts to impress you. Do this gently and playfully. He’s got to know you’re not impressed by what he does – that you’re looking for the man beneath the money, the car and the success. If he can’t impress you, he’ll want to. A man desires a woman who lovingly encourages and pushes him to be his best.

If you’re in a committed relationship, don’t let him get away with gifts and favors in lieu of stepping up in love. Accept them graciously, of course, but remind him that it’s his loving you seek, and invite him to love more deeply in the ways that are meaningful to you. When you accept less, he’ll regard you as easy and stop trying to get you.

Key 3

Laugh freely, and play in the sexual energy between you – as if you have all the time in the world to luxuriate in the energy of attraction. If you’re dating, don’t be sexually aggressive. If you become the aggressor, he might take advantage of that and make love to you, but you will have robbed him of the pleasure of the hunt.

You can be in charge, of course you are always in charge of your body and your choices, simply let him direct, initially.

Pace the interaction so as not to be sexual too soon – before you’ll clear that he’s really into you, mentally and emotionally – or he’ll take what he wants and never call you again. It’s simply what happens, for men, when there isn’t a deeper connection.

If you’ve taken the the time to by create emotional connection, you’ll get better results.

If you’re married, tell him what you want him to do to you, and then enjoy yourself. Really allow him to give to you and then demand more of it. Contrary to what most women think, this makes you appear as more powerful to him. The more you can ask and take, the more he finds you wildly attractive.

Key 4

Let him do things for you. It’s important for a man to feel that he can do good for you. A woman who cannot receive robs a man of pleasure. If you love yourself, receiving isn’t an issue. Simply accept with grace, and give to him when it feels organic to you. Receiving with grace is a beautifully feminine.  Remember this especially in bed. His greatest pleasure is when you allow him to lavish you with pleasure.

Key 5

Be honest and express integrity. Tell him when you’re into him and when you’re not. Whatever you do, don’t string him along. If sexual interest isn’t there, be clear. And don’t play games that make him feel powerless, by not calling him back and the like. If you’re in a relationship, be truthful when your needs aren’t being met, and ask directly and specifically for what you want, rather than punishing him by withholding sex. Never use sex as a bargaining tool. It diminishes your sexual power.

By Karen Brody, “The Sexcess Coach.” all copyrights reserved 080409.

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