When a man says “I’m not ready for a relationship,” you can pretty much bet it’s that he doesn’t want a relationship with you. I know this is hard to hear, and that there are exceptional cases, but as a rule I suggest you take this in as fact.

I don’t believe in timing, although it sounds great and yes, we all hope a relationship will drop into our lap at the perfect time, I think when its “right,” it’s simply right and time is a non-issue.

I’ve worked numerous men, who will tell a woman they don’t want a relationship, and yet remain fully open to having sex with her. I share this because you need to know that his choosing to have sex with you or to continue to have sex with you beyond his declaration of “no relationship” does not mean he will necessarily change his mind.

Men put women into two categories: Women they only want to sleep with, and women with whom they want to sleep and have a relationship. Men typically decide this within the first few dates.

It’s key that before you sleep with a man, you get clear about where he stands on this –because sleeping with him will not affect how he feels about you relationally. Of course, there are rare exceptions.

If a man wants you for more than sex, he won’t mind waiting until the emotional bond has deepened and there is a foundation of mutual affection and caring. In fact, he will likely welcome that slower, heat-building kind of interaction.

Karen Brody, copyright 2009. All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact the author.

Let’s start with the obstacle. The biggest obstacle to great sex is the idea that you “should” be having great sex.

This is an obstacle because if it “should” be good and it’s not, you judge and pull away. If it should be good and it’s not, there must be a reason, and your mind wants to find that reason. One place to start is your partner. If only she/he were more open. If only she/he were more adventurous. You know the drill.

Or maybe you blame yourself, or the chemistry. Whatever way you chose to resolve this dilemma, you stop investigating. And when you stop investigating, you stop learning and growing. You just stop where you are and sex doesn’t get any better. In fact, it gets worse.

We have this romantic notion that great sex just happens. If you love each other it’s great. If you’re sexy, beautiful people, it’s great. When in reality, great sex is reserved for those who cultivate great sex.

Is it any wonder that when it gets sticky, so many of us pull away?

Truth be told, what you get is the“starter kit.” You get the parts and the desire and interest, but the rest (the fulfillment, the satisfaction and the depth of connection) require ongoing attention, learning and growth.

Most people resist this level of deep engagement because the fantasy is so much easier and so much less risky.

To truly resurrect a boring sex life, you must drop this idea that it “should” be good and take responsibility for any lack of aliveness. Then show up ready to discover and learn.

Expectation is a barrier to intimacy and pleasure. By courageously letting it go, you truly show up. And through that there is the freshness you seek, and the depth of feeling and passion.

If there is one “tool” that makes sex exciting, each and every time, regardless of how you’re “doing it,” it’s presence. Put your attention on your breath, one breath at a time, and let thoughts dissolve into nothing. This will breathe life into an otherwise boring sexual experience and truly intensify your pleasure.

Karen Brody, copyright 2009. All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact the author.

I interviewed Arielle ford this past Tuesday and we talked about soul mates. Arielle is the author of “The Soul Mate Secret.” I think the most startling “secret” that Arielle revealed is that she doesn’t believe that we have one soul mate, but that a soul mate can be anyone for whom we feel a deep affinity! I imagine ears were burning on that call!

I have to admit, that even though this makes sense intellectually, some part of me had a struggle with  letting go of the romantic notion of the “one.”

The idea goes back to Greek Mythology, to the story of Plato’s Symposium. At this dinner party, Aristophanes creates a story of love, whereby The God Zeus cut humans in half to weaken their power — leaving them to search for one another for the rest of their lives.

Did this story arise out of a knowing that Plato carried within him that we are a piece of another, or did this fantastical story make it’s way into our psyches over thousands of years and become inextricably imbedded in our story of love?

Or, does this yearning to be met and completed by another simply represent our egoic fear of not being enough?

As a counselor and a coach I see how much pain and confusion arises in the search for the “one” — the agonizing over how to recognize this mythic figure, the angst that you might never find him or her.

What if the “one” is within you?

What if in wrapping your arms around  this inner “other,” you merge in the wholeness you so desperately seek?

Karen Brody, copyright 2009. All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact the author.