When a man says “I’m not ready for a relationship,” you can pretty much bet he doesn’t want a relationship with you. I know this is hard to hear, and that there are exceptional cases, but as a rule I suggest you take this in as fact.

I don’t believe in right timing, although it sounds great and yes, we all hope a relationship will drop into our lap at the perfect time, I think when its “right,” it’s simply right and time is a non-issue.

I’ve worked with numerous men, who will tell a woman they don’t want a relationship, and yet remain fully open to having sex with her. I share this because you need to know that his choosing to have sex with you or to continue to have sex with you beyond his declaration of “no relationship” does not mean he will necessarily change his mind.

Men put women into two categories: Women they only want to sleep with, and women with whom they want sex and a relationship. Men typically decide this within the first few dates.

It’s key that before you sleep with a man, you get clear about where he stands on this –because sleeping with him will not affect how he feels about you relationally.

If a man wants you for more than sex, he won’t mind waiting until the emotional bond has deepened and there is a foundation of mutual affection and caring. In fact, he will likely welcome that slower, heat-building kind of interaction.

Karen Brody, copyright 2009. All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact the author.

The very thing that enchants men is the very thing we most fear giving them – our vulnerability. Rather than let them see where we hurt and how we need, we hit them over the head with our pain and push them away with complaints.

Trust me, I know how hard it is to be vulnerable with men. My mother pounded into me that men are insensitive. Share feelings with men? Would you give your heart to a butcher?

My mom was a product of her time. She didn’t’ expect to be cherished, held and comforted by her man. But we women today do, so opening the gates to our hearts is essential.

It’s not easy to let a man in if you fear he will use your vulnerability against you. Yet, being vulnerable is exactly what makes a man feel he can trust you – and, that he can trust his own feelings with you.

A conscious, loving man actually appreciates a woman’s vulnerability. She doesn’t have to play a victim, or be someone he needs to save. This is where we miss the point.

There is a vast difference between being vulnerable and being a powerless victim.

There is also a vast difference between blaming a man for how you feel and launching your feelings at him angrily – and allowing him to witness you in your pain and need.

A man is attracted to a woman who is emotionally masterful. Really hear this distinction. In other words, she has what I call “Embodied Emotional Presence.” This means that you can express your feelings in a way that is self-honoring, and also honoring of your man. Very different from throwing blame and complaints.

Embodied Emotional Presence gives a man the spaciousness he needs to hear you, and you get the benefit of his affection and care.

Next time you are hurt or angry or sad and want to share feelings with your man…

A. Put your hand over your heart and take a deep breath

B. Ask him to simply listen

C. Share your heart from that place that has no perpetrator, free of words that blame or sting.

For more excellent information on how to get a good man and to keep him, there is no (other) better teacher than my friend, Rori Raye.  Check out her book, below: