Posted by Karen Brody in
Most of us believe that it’s our partners’ job to please us in bed. So when the job doesn’t get done so well, and expectations go unmet, clearly you know who to blame. You probably don’t fire your lover, but you might withdraw your interest and withhold expressing exactly why. As you might have already discovered, this is a recipe for sexual disaster.
If your partner is in fact responsible for the mediocre sex and lack of connection you experience, that means that you are powerless to do anything about it. Your lack of satisfaction is being done to you. You are saying: I cannot change this. It’s not my fault. And thus, nothing will change.
When I work with couples who have stopped making love for a year, 5 or even 10, it’s always the same issue. They’re stuck in blame. It sounds like this: “She’s frigid.” He’s a “sex maniac.” “She doesn’t express pleasure.” “He doesn’t last long enough.”
Until each partner takes responsibility, nothing shifts. Blame is a brilliant strategy if you want nothing at all to change.
On the other hand, if you want to get unstuck in your relationship you’ve got to ask yourself: What am I doing to contribute to our lack of connection and lovemaking? Really listen to what comes forward for you.
Then, if you can verbalize your part to your partner – and own your part – your partner will be willing to own hers or his. Then and only then, can you can make progress toward having that passionate sex you both want.
I always tell my clients, “You’re in the relationship you’re ready for.” In other words, it’s no mistake you’re having the challenges you’re having with intimacy. It’s simply what’s up for you to learn.
The question is: Will you own your challenges so that you can take that next step on the sexual rung — to experience a greater degree of pleasure and connection — or stay stuck in blame?
I suggest that you take 100 percent responsibility for what you’re going through in your relationship, and through that, you’ll discover the power to make things change.
By Karen Brody, 2011. All Copyrights Reserved. Please contact author to reprint or simply link to this page.
