Approach her Shamelessly

In my research on what drives couples apart sexually, I’ve discovered that women have a highly-attuned sense of when a man feels ok sexually and when he doesn’t, and it greatly affects her desire for him.

If you’re approaching a woman feeling bad or wrong about wanting sex, she feels that energetic. It seems as if you’re hiding something. And in a sense you are, you’re hiding the fact that you want sex because you feel bad and wrong.

If you feel bad and wrong how is that going to make her feel? It’s not a compelling sexual space, that’s for sure.

On the other hand, if you let it be ok that you want sex and that you’re a healthy sexual man, there’s a “clean” interaction when you express your desire. She might say ‘no,’ but at least you’ve allowed yourself to express what is real for you and that’s a powerful place to be.

When men try to hide sexual interest, they feel weak and out of integrity. You feel as if you’re trying to coerce her into loving you, and that doesn’t feel good.

Put your attention instead on wanting her, instead of wanting “sex.” It’s a very different focus. It’s ok to want her, she wants that. A woman wants to be wanted and thrives on it.

Want her more than “just sex” and she’ll shift with you. Let her know: “I want you.” And then experience the power of allowing what you want to be ok.

There’s a very big difference in your wanting to get off with her, and wanting to take her and have her. When she can feel the raw energy of your desire for her, she’ll be consumed with the desire to give herself to you!

All Contents International Copyright Karen Brody 2010. All International Rights Reserved. Contact the author for permission to reprint, or simply link to this article here.

At a party recently, a man introduced himself, shook my hand and initiated what felt like an interrogation. “So where do you live?”

I told him.

“Yeah that makes sense. I could tell by the way you dress, those kind of hippy earrings and even your eyes. You’re definitely from Marin.”

Really, I said.

Definitely. Oh you have the look. The quiet eyes, the way you measure your words.

Interesting, I thought. I didn’t realize I’d had much opportunity to speak.

Then the barrage of questions spilled forth, like an avalanche. “What brings you here? How long have you known Jessie? What kind of work do you do? What do you think of this crowd?

He seemed determined to gather information and sum me up. As much as I indicated that his intensity and pace was annoying, with curt, flat responses, he was oblivious and unaffected. The “interrogation” wasn’t about me; it was about him.

He keeps me talking, the ball stays in his court. How many women will walk away mid-sentence? It’s a control game – like juggling. I’m talking; the ball is in the air. Once it drops, well who knows? I might just walk away.

The thing is, it’s so obvious that a guy like this is trying way too hard. He’s not confident enough to just be. He has to “force” engagement.

Now there’s good tension and not so good tension. When you’re being manipulated in this way, it’s bad tension. A woman’s attraction isn’t ignited by “grinding the mental wheels,” but by surfing the waves of energy between you. That requires pausing between what is said to actually feel the ebb and flow.

Of course ask your questions, guys, you need to ask in order to interact, but also listen. Let what she says “land.”

When you’re not afraid of silence and not afraid to feel, she’ll feel you, and that’s the tension you want to mount. It’s good to express interest through inquiry, but best to relax any agenda, if you want to win her attention, and ultimately her affection.

All Contents International Copyright Karen Brody 2010. All International Rights Reserved. Contact the author for permission to reprint, or simply link to this article here.

Nice guys. You believe you’re different from other men. You’re not just after sex like the other guys. You care, really you do.

And it shows. You listen. You do sweet things. You go out of your way to demonstrate it’s more than sex you want.

But in the end it’s sex you want, and, what’s frustrating is you don’t get much. You get relegated to the “friends” category a lot.

Nice guys do finish last and not because they’re nice. It’s because they are acting as if they’re not really men.

Somewhere along the line men got the idea that if they could just squeak by as “not really men,” they’d get more women to trust them and more sex.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work. It doesn’t work because women do want men. And they happen to be sexually attracted to men who act like men and feel like men.

Granted, women have been hurt by men and don’t like men who are only after sex, but they are still attracted to men, nonetheless.

When you pretend to not be sexually interested, she can’t feel you as a man. She can’t feel a sexual attraction. Your sex has gone under the radar.

Know that a woman wants to be sexually desired. And, as long as you’re clear and upfront and don’t hide your sexual intent, she’ll trust you. You don’t have to seem sexless to gain her trust.

It’s pretending you’re not interested in sex, or that you just want to be her friend that breeds mistrust. Be expressive of how you desire her and are turned on by her, and also that you enjoy and “get” who she is. This is a winning formula!

All Contents International Copyright Karen Brody 2010. All International Rights Reserved. Contact the author for permission to reprint, or simply link to this article here.

When a woman says, “let’s be friends,” what it means in very plain language is she is not sexually attracted to you. It doesn’t mean you’re too nice for her. It means you don’t turn her on, period.

As hard as this might be to take in, the more you understand how and why you get relegated to the friends category and what you can do about it, the less it will happen for you.

Of course, not everyone will be attracted to you – even if you are physically stunning, super rich and wildly successful. There are so many subtleties that make up what attracts a woman to a man; what’s important is that you don’t get in your own way and make yourself unattractive by doing what MOST men do.

The biggest obstacle most men have to being sexually attractive is trying to seem NOT interested in sex. That’s right: Trying NOT to seem interested in sex.

You probably think this is how to gain a woman’s trust – to seem above sex.  In reality, it’s the fastest way to make “friends.”  It’s a “game plan” that practically guarantees she will not find you sexually attractive.

Couple of reasons: One, a woman wants to know that you desire her. This must be communicated subtlety, but nonetheless, communicated. “I desire you. I find you sexy. You turn me on.” You have to be clear in some way that you want to be sexual with her. If you are not clear, she will decide for you; and that decision will not work in your favor.

Everything you’ve been taught tells you not to tell a woman you want her. And yet it is exactly what needs to happen. No, you don’t want to convey that you ONLY want sex, this is what she fears – you want to convey that in addition to really liking who she is, you desire her.  A woman wants to be desired. If you miss this piece, the sexual fire will barely be a flame.

Second important piece: When you suppress your desire for her, you come across as feminine. You don’t give off the electric energy a man who is attracted and desirous gives off – the kind of energy that turns a woman on. You come across as sexless, essentially, and she feels zero attraction.

Let her know you want her; say it elegantly, and let it be a part of wanting all that she is. This is a winning formula!

All Contents International Copyright Karen Brody 2009. All International Rights Reserved. Contact the author for permission to reprint, or simply link to this article here.

When a man says “I’m not ready for a relationship,” you can pretty much bet it’s that he doesn’t want a relationship with you. I know this is hard to hear, and that there are exceptional cases, but as a rule I suggest you take this in as fact.

I don’t believe in timing, although it sounds great and yes, we all hope a relationship will drop into our lap at the perfect time, I think when its “right,” it’s simply right and time is a non-issue.

I’ve worked numerous men, who will tell a woman they don’t want a relationship, and yet remain fully open to having sex with her. I share this because you need to know that his choosing to have sex with you or to continue to have sex with you beyond his declaration of “no relationship” does not mean he will necessarily change his mind.

Men put women into two categories: Women they only want to sleep with, and women with whom they want to sleep and have a relationship. Men typically decide this within the first few dates.

It’s key that before you sleep with a man, you get clear about where he stands on this –because sleeping with him will not affect how he feels about you relationally. Of course, there are rare exceptions.

If a man wants you for more than sex, he won’t mind waiting until the emotional bond has deepened and there is a foundation of mutual affection and caring. In fact, he will likely welcome that slower, heat-building kind of interaction.

Karen Brody, copyright 2009. All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact the author.

One of the most common questions women ask about dating is “Why doesn’t he call back?”

While recently interviewing Dr. Wendy Walsh, she was asked this question by one of our listeners. Without missing a beat she said,  “Because he got what he came for.”

Ouch! It felt like a mother’s admonishment.

As hard as it is to hear and to accept this about men, this bit of wisdom contains more than a grain of truth.  I’ve had at least a hundred men back up this claim in our private sessions. I’ve heard a hundred women cry over the men who didn’t call them back after sex.

It’s not that men are predators out to hurt us and rob us of sex. They simply have different motivations. The sooner we get this, the better for all of us.

Let me explain: We women have a “Let’s date and see how it goes” attitude toward sex. We like to check a man out. See how he behaves on a date; see how he shows up in the world. See if he’s excellent in life.  If we really like what we see and feel, and sense a possibility with him for relationship, we go for sex. It’s an investment.

A man has a “Let’s have sex and see how that goes” attitude. He’s not opposed to relationship; it just comes after sex, in his mind. Let’s see first how this sexual connection pans outs and then I’m open to possibly more.

It would be like if someone said to you as a woman: “Looking for some hot sex?” you might think, “ Well yeah, but first let me find someone I’m attracted to, like and trust.”

Men think this way about relationship. They’re looking for a trusted sexual source that feels vital, real and sustaining. If that goes really well, they’re way more open to relationship. Relationship for men evolves out of sex and deep connection through sex.

When you try to get a man to talk about relationship before he is sexually primed, he just gets scared or turned off, the way you might as a woman, if he pressured you to be sexual with him, before you felt trust and a heart-connection.

Here’s where it gets complicated and sticky: If you give him sex too soon because you want a relationship with him, before he feels an emotional connection with you, he will most likely not call you again. There is nothing more for him to pursue; he got what he came for, as Dr. Walsh states.

So if a man wants sex first and a woman wants trust first, and if you give a man sex too soon and he walks, how do you ever make relationship happen?

As a woman you need to modulate the interaction. A man will jump into bed, it’s his nature. It’s the woman’s job, if you will, to hold his interest, to play in the sexual energy, and to masterfully let the connection between you deepen BEFORE you get into bed.

You know when there’s an emotional connection and when there isn’t. If you’re jumping into sex with a lot of questions and concerns, you’ve likely not build an emotional connection.

Once you have a clear emotional connection, and you feel trust that he wants more with you than sex, then be sexual with him, but do it openly and talk first about concerns and desires.

Then if the sex is good and deep and feels vital and sustaining, he will want more with you. And you will have a man who is deeply interested and engaged with you as a lover.

Karen Brody, copyright 2009. All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact the author.

How do we harmonize with the “opposite”sex?

The key is that we have to first develop understanding. This doesn’t mean that we have to agree with one another. What causes the gap between the sexes, in and out of bed, is a general lack of understanding.

We ASSUME more about the “opposite” sex than we actually know.

In order to know more, you have to be WILLING to know more. Most of us prefer to assume because we can exercise control within the confines of our own minds.

It’s also human nature to fear what we don’t know. Our response to someone different is often fear.  Out of fear we can make the other wrong or bad, rather than seek to understand what it is that makes us different.

Where it concerns men and women we are caught in an exhausting psychological battle.  If you’re different from me, are you more or less than me?

What we miss is that in our differences we are complementary. We are not the same. And through recognition and acceptance that we can relax our guards, drop the armor and find the play in being elements In harmony.

Are we truly opposite? No, that would mean that we’re opposed. To be opposite one another is simply a perception. When we learn to harmonize through greater understanding of one another, we shift this perception to one of being ONE – a truth in alignment with the physics of the universe.

What we’ve been taught instead is to fight – to assert our wills  – to fear that the opposite sex will outshine us, rather than complement what we are.

The first step toward greater harmony is to seek to understand. If we think we understand, we stop inquiring. We stop exploring. We assume we have all of the answers.

The remedy is to start asking and seeking the answers to the questions you’ve been afraid or reluctant to ask. Instead of assuming your partner’s motivations, you simply ask. “What motivated you to say that or to do that? When you did X, what were you thinking about? What do you mean when you say that?”

The best course for learning to harmonize with the “other” sex is to assume nothing! This opens up a whole new way of interacting. You interact with your partner like you did when you first met, with curiosity and excitement, instead of apathy.

Whatever stories you’ve been making up about your lover will start to unravel, and a new person will evolve – one that is less mysterious and less frustrating. With practice and dedication, the gap between you will draw closer, and greater interest and appreciation for one another will grow!

Nice guys. You believe you’re different from other men. You’re not just after sex like the other guys. You care, really you do.

And it shows. You listen. You do sweet things. You go out of your way to demonstrate it’s more than sex you want.

But in the end it’s sex you want, and, what’s frustrating is you don’t get much. You get relegated to the “friends” category a lot.

Nice guys do finish last and not because they’re nice. It’s because they are acting as if they’re not really men.

Somewhere along the line men got the idea that if they could just squeak by as “not really men,” they’d get more women to trust them and more sex.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work. It doesn’t work because women do want men. And they happen to be sexually attracted to men who act like men and feel like men.

Granted, women have been hurt by men and don’t like men who are only after sex, but they are still attracted to men, nonetheless.

When you pretend to not be sexually interested, she can’t feel you as a man. She can’t feel a sexual attraction. Your sex has gone under the radar.

Know that a woman wants to be sexually desired. And, as long as you’re clear and upfront and don’t hide your sexual intent, she’ll trust you. You don’t have to seem sexless to gain her trust.

It’s pretending you’re not interested in sex, or that you just want to be her friend that breeds mistrust. Be expressive of how you desire her and are turned on by her, and also that you enjoy and “get” who she is. This is a winning formula!