When a woman is complaining about something in your relationship, you probably do what any red-blooded man would do, you defend yourself. You puff up your chest and become determined to prove her wrong. It feels vital to be right – to not end up in her emotional trash compactor.

It might sound a little like this: “Not enough time with you? I just took five days off this month so that we could be together. Last Sunday I spend the entire day with you, when what I wanted was to play golf. And what about the past three Saturdays with your friends? Was that not time with you?”

There you said it and you proved yourself right. But instead of dropping it, she says something baffling like: “You’re not listening to me.”

Not listening to her? Not only are you listening, but you proved your innocence — and now she can just drop it and move on. But she doesn’t let it go, because unlike in a boxing match or a ballgame, a woman is not an “opponent” who follows the rules.

The way women communicate tends to have an emotional subtext.  She might say her complaint is about a lack of time together, but what you’re not hearing is the emotional plea or subtext behind that complaint. This is the real conversation. It’s the communication she says you’re not hearing.

Women often hide their hurt behind complaints. And, also, believe that they are revealing their hurt when they complain.

Make sense?

It’s not that women are trying to confuse you. Just like men, women have a hard time expressing hurt and emotional need. It comes up a lot for women because women are deeply effected by emotions. Complaining can be a bad habit of trying to get emotional needs heard and met.

It’s not the best way to communicate and it certainly doesn’t feel good to you as a man. But if you can hear her a little differently, you can guide the conversations toward a satisfying end.

Next time ask: “What’s really at the heart of this complaint? Tell me what you’re feeling.”

This approach will take you a lot farther than building a case against her. It will also encourage her to be a more direct communicator and to complain less.

All Contents International Copyright Karen Brody 2010. All International Rights Reserved. Contact the author for permission to reprint, or simply link to this article here.

Guys, I know you want this to be about sex. Techniques ideally. Believe me, I’d give you those techniques in extraordinary detail, if I thought they’d would actually work to get you more sex.

My passion is to help you to win with women. And as an expert on this topic, my goal is to give you the information will actually make the difference.

I won’t deny that if you’re masterful with various parts of your body at pleasing, you’ll get big points and more sex.

However, if you miss the heart of what lights a woman up, your sexual success with her will be hit and miss. Techniques are not sustainable as a diet for love.

On the other hand, get inside what flips a woman on romantically, and you’ve got the recipe for how to turn her on for life!

So three things you need to master in the romance department to turn her on, and you can begin this Valentine’s Day:

1. Connection

Connection is a “coming together” that features mutual affection.  You share how much you appreciate each other, or love each other, or see each other, or delight in one another. This creates as sense of togetherness. This is very important to women – that you feed the “we.” Time together just isn’t enough.

2. Create a sense of possibility

Romance is about what’s possible with you and together. What could happen is often more exciting than what is happening. Women love to talk about you might create together in some imaginary future. It delights us to no end.

A woman’s most ecstatic state is a state of anticipation – whether that’s in bed or on a date. Anticipation is foreplay. It’s a state of surrender — living on the edge of possibility.

The more she feels this with you, the more turned on she’ll be. This may be new to you, so don’t wear yourself out trying to be her “magic man.” But keep in mind, that a woman dreams into what’s possible, and stoking the fires of her imagination will satisfy her romantically.

3. Surprise and Delight

Women love to be surprised. Often men ask women what they want, so they don’t get it wrong.

While, it’s nice to be asked and get exactly what you want, it’s not romantic.

It’s far more exciting to open a wrapped box and surf the wave of anticipation. For us this is sexual energy.  If you investigate beforehand, you can easily and covertly figure out what she wants, wrap it, and revel in her delight!

If this idea intimidates you, get her one thing she said she wanted and throw in a surprise all your own.

Keeping a woman in a state of ongoing delight is a sure-fire way to keep her sexually interested.

All Contents International Copyright Karen Brody 2010. All International Rights Reserved. Contact the author for permission to reprint, or simply link to this article here.

Wouldn’t you like to know what fantasies run through your lover’s mind? Wouldn’t it be fun to find out, so that you could help her fulfill those you both desired to bring into reality?

There’s absolutely no better way to find out what a woman truly wants in bed (or somewhere else!) than to ask her directly. What a concept! Just ask.

AskMen.com did just that. Relationship Correspondent Isabella Snow reports the full RESULTS here:

Who’s In Charge?

It might surprise you to learn that of the women who responded to the AskMen.com survey, their number three fantasy was FANTASY “rape.”

Let’s be absolutely clear that a rape fantasy is nothing like criminal rape. Women (at least mentally healthy women) have no desire to be hurt or violated. A rape fantasy is about being relieved of choice, essentially being  “forced” to experience pleasure.

Why would a woman want to be relieved of her sexual choice?

Women can harbor a mountain of residual guilt about sex – guilt dished up by our religious upbringing, by our parents and their hang-ups, by a culture that says, “be sexy girls, but don’t have sex.”

Essentially women are raised to be the sexual “gatekeepers” of virtue. Whether we like it or not, it’s our “job” - and a thankless job, too.

I can remember, even as a young girl, boys pressing me hard to be sexual with them. That pressure, and my own sexual desires, created the incredibly difficult challenge of balancing the hand of moral judgment with the pressing urges of young love.

It’s not uncommon for the same boy who presses for sex and urges a girl to loosen her social restraints to tell his friends that she was  “easy.” Sometimes the choices that girls make for love or pleasure are crushing in their social consequences.

We women have been trained to not only expect this double standard, but we have adapted by learning to seem as if we don’t want sex or don’t like sex — to seem as if we’re not choosing sex, but succumbing to it. Think of the woman who silently lies there as you make love to her, unknowingly wreaking havoc on your ego. By not saying a word, or making a pleasurable sound, she can enjoy sex secretly, and maintain her image as a “good girl.”

So a rape fantasy is, therefore, the perfect antidote to a woman’s sexual restraint.

There is no right choice or wrong choice when a powerful, all-knowing lover “forces” pleasure on a woman, when he “makes” a woman do those things she wants to do. There’s no violation of morals. No way to be judged as “bad” or “wrong.”

Often, powerful men too fantasize about being sexually dominated, as a means to surrender control.

Fulfill Her Fantasies

You can learn a lot about a woman’s secret sexual “landscape” by unraveling her fantasies.

How can you, as a man, use this information to turn a woman on and to help her tap into her own deepest desires?

Most importantly, do NOT enact a rape scene without her consent!

Begin by having a conversation with her about her fantasies. Allow her to reveal whatever fantasies she’s willing to talk about first, which will likely be fantasies that she feels are the least “threatening” and most socially acceptable. Ask her to share them with you in detail, so you don’t have to guess, and don’t “get it wrong” when the two of you fulfill one or more of her fantasies.

As she becomes more comfortable and more confident in you and in herself, you can encourage her to share more fantasies. At some point when you know she has trust in you, you can ask her if she’s ever had a rape fantasy. Not all women have this fantasy, so don’t press if it’s not there. But if she does, ask her about the details. What does her lover say? How does he take her? What is it about how he takes her that really turns her on? Does he tie her up? Hold her hands down? Tell her what she must do?

Your discussion may or may not lead to her agreement to act it out. If she wants to keep it as a mental fantasy, only, simply honor that. If, however, she feels comfortable enough to act it out with you, then plan it with sensitivity, so that it unfolds in a satisfying way for both of you.

Be Willing to Take Charge

I’ve noticed a trend toward men becoming less and less aggressive in bed, and becoming more and more sensitive to women and to what they desire.

This is good news and bad news. Good in that you’re “listening’ and attuning, and bad in that you’re throwing out your masculine edge. I can’t tell you how many women reveal to me that they wish their lovers were more aggressive in bed.

Women want men who can be sensitive and loving, and in this regard the more that you can be sensitive and loving, the better.

But women also want to be captured and taken by the wild, unbridled, even dangerous part of you. They want to feel your raw hunger –that part of you that drives you to rip her clothes off and penetrate her into oblivion. I also know that many of you men want this too.

The more you aren’t a “gentleman” the less she has to be a “lady.”

Now don’t confuse a woman’s desire to let go of her sexual control and have you exert yours for a woman wanting a sex hound. Being sexually needy is very different from being sexually powerful. Hunger comes from instinct, while need comes from a perception of lack.

How to Tap Into Your Edge

Here’s a potent visualization and practice that will help you bring the relationship of sexual power into perspective, that also helps you learn how to merge your heart and your edge:

Imagine your penis as an incredible wand of healing light – potent and loving.

Imagine penetrating your woman so deeply and lovingly with your wand of light, with so much fierce and wild abandon that you blow her heart and her joy wide open. Be focused like a tiger, certain like an eagle, wise like a wolf throughout.

This practice will center you in the power and the certainty that you need, to not only be her fantasy rapist, but also to be her deepest lover. A woman wants, simply, to surrender into love and pleasure. Your clarity and certainty of purpose, as her lover, helps make that possible.

Play with your edge. But also keep your sensitivity. This is the beauty of making love in contrast, with depth and interest.

All Contents International Copyright Karen Brody 2010. All International Rights Reserved. Contact the author for permission to reprint, or simply link to this article here.

Do you ever wonder why the woman you’re with suddenly withdraws her sexual interest?

Do you ever wonder if it’s something you did or could have avoided?

The good news is that this unfortunately all-too-common dilemma can be avoided, simply by understanding how sexual dynamics work.

If you’re like 99 percent of red-blooded men, you’ve probably said or thought something like this in your lifetime: “I’m always ready for sex.”

Maybe you told your partner, “Anytime.” And if you’re like a lot of men, you reminder her of this everyday, yet it doesn’t increase her desire to have sex with you.

It seems normal to want sex all the time – if you’re a man. But women find such exuberance suspect. For women, the desire for sex is driven by so many shifting external and emotional factors that to be always “on” and always “hot” seems a bit disconnected from everything else.

The question that comes to women’s minds is: “Can this be love?”

Often when I help clients explore their always-ready sexual pattern, there’s an unconscious belief that a man “should” be ready. He “should” be ready because he’s a man and men are supposed to want sex – any kind of sex, anytime. Even if they’re not attracted, even if they’re married, even if there’s no emotional connection.

For men, “fear of scarcity” also affects readiness. “I’d better take it while I can get it.”

Even men who are married and get a good deal of sex or, who have enjoyed success with women casually, still have this always-ready switch turned to “on.” Having a lot of sex doesn’t guarantee a man will relax and bask in his abundance.

A man’s constant need, want and eager “trot to the gate” is not only exhausting, but leaves no room for a woman to want. Just as a man’s perception of scarcity fires him up to be a ready and eager partner, a woman’s lack of scarcity leaves her without an appetite. She lives at a virtual sexual buffet, where sex is always on the table.

A woman wants to be desired, make no mistake about that, but your being primed at the gate is not about your desire for her.  She perceives this as more about you and your pressing physical urges. So issuing a “no” is easy for her.

How to Become the Lover She Secretly Wants

If you’re under 50, testosterone can drive you to want sex, a lot. It can override your ability to think clearly and to be present. Until you reign in your sexual energy and master it, your sex drive will run you and negatively effect how your partner feels about being sexual with you.

Listen to your woman when she says: “All you ever care about is sex” because the deeper communication is:  “I don’t believe you love me. You only want me for sex.” She can sense the difference between your instinct to release, and your desire to make love to her.

It requires know-how and practice to master your innate, primal sexual desire. As you work on mastering this, you can also gain the skills for mastering your orgasm and ejaculation.

Your ability to “master” your instinctual urges makes a woman feel safe, and feel respect for you.  When she feels safe, that you in “in control” of your sexual experience, she can open herself up completely to you, and to her own pleasure.

By mastering your sexual domain, you demonstrate love and a desire to express love, and this will turn any woman into a more interested lover.

If you don’t already have my “Get Her and Keep Her!” audio program, get it now to master how to hold a woman’s sexual interest and get all the sex you want! This is the very best program on web for deeply connecting with what SHE wants in and out of bed.

http://www.getherandkeepher.com

All Contents International Copyright Karen Brody 2010. All International Rights Reserved. Contact the author for permission to reprint, or simply link to this article here.

How To Get and Keep a Woman: Three Essential Aspects of Your Behavior

What Women Want

Men, in order to attract a wonderful woman who is also worthy of your long-term commitment, it’s essential that you are aware of what women need and desire, and how YOU must be, within yourself. Here are some important points to get you started.

What a woman wants is a man who is unashamed of his sexuality, who commands his desires by way of his confidence. She wants a man who doesn’t apologize for being a man.

A woman wants a man whose own confidence and certainty stretches her to move through her own fears with intimacy and lovemaking, to deeply embrace and surrender into pleasure and loving.

A woman wants a man who will “demand” sex from his heart, yet who doesn’t take “no” as a personal rejection, but as a challenge to deepen his mastery. A woman wants a man who declines sexual handouts and deal-making for sex, and refuses sex that isn’t mutual and fully conscious.

The “Easy Sex” Trap

Too often men are afraid of losing the sexual “opportunities” they are presented, whether they’re single or married. So choosing “conscious sex” over “available sex” can seem like a choice for having less sex, or being “less of a man” for turning down every sexual opportunity, and that can become a trap. You have to let go of your willingness to have a second-rate sexual experience, devoid of true intimacy and deep connection, to get the sexual gold.

Would you rather have a fully consensual, fully engaged partner who desires you and whose desire builds for you, or one who gives you sex to get you off her back (pun intended) and satisfy some unconscious deal with you?

What You Must  Do To Attract and Keep a Woman

If you want a deeply satisfying, highly fulfilling relationship in AND out of the bedroom, you’d be wise to choose to limit your sexual experiences to those that have the potential for what you seek.

Here are three aspects of how you MUST act if you want to walk the master’s path of sexual fulfillment for her and deep satisfaction for you, and an emotionally and spiritually fulfilling relationship for you and your partner.

Of course, these are just the beginning of a lifelong and rewarding journey.  But without practicing and mastering this approach, you’ll never be powerful in her eyes, and she’ll never surrender to you, as she desires.

1. Be OK with being a sexual man and make no apologies for your sexual desires.

Stop feeling guilty about wanting sex with her, if you do. This does not mean she owes you sex and this does not mean you force it. Its simply means that you embrace your own sexual desires, express them toward her without reservation, and then respond to her in accordance with her desires and invitations.

2. Stop acting like a beggar who needs to “earn” sex.

Never do things that you think will win you sex. That always backfires. She knows what you’re up to and you lose points and respect.

3. Don’t accept any form of sex that isn’t mutual and loving.

If you take advantage of disengaged sexual quickies (with women who you aren’t in a committed relationship with) simply because the opportunity presents itself, why would she ever give you something more meaningful? You may think that YOU got what you wanted, but you’d be fooling yourself. SHE got what she wanted, and she doesn’t necessarily want more. To attract and keep the quality woman you desire and deserve, demonstrate the integrity you want her to see, and that you also want her to bring to the relationship.

So there you have it. Three essential elements to how to “be” within yourself in order to get and keep the kind of woman who you want to be with, and wants to be with you.

Leave Your Feedback!

What do you think? Are these three things essential, or does your experience prove otherwise?

Karen Brody, copyright 2009. All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact the author.

When I interview men who want better sex with their partners, it’s the same disheartening dialogue again and again. It’s like a bad broken record.

“I like sex more than she does. She’s just not that into it. I don’t know why she’s not that erotic. I love it when she climaxes and I’m really into being inside of her, and I’d love to try new positions, and ….I want to figure out how to turn her on.”

Even as the “therapist,” I’m bored. Why is it so challenging for men to get that we don’t care about what you need to achieve in bed?

If you want to turn a woman off in three seconds, just get really graphic about all of the things you want to try and do. Yuk.

It’s not that we don’t like these acts, we just don’t like the way you talk about them.

There’s no intrigue when you name positions. Tell her what you want to do to her in the way you look at her, or you savor your wine — how you feed her, or moan when you place your hands under her ass — or in how you smell her hair, or push her up against a wall and eat her alive with your eyes.

Men talk about sex and give away all of the details, when what turns women on is anticipation. It’s the possibility of what you’ll do and how she’ll feel with you that makes her ache for you.

Don’t tell her on a date that you give great tongue. Demonstrate it once you’re in bed. When you tell her, you spoil the fun. Now, she’s not in the play of her imagination, she’s wondering if you can possibly live up to your claim. Chances are you can’t.

“My wife doesn’t like to try new positions.”

This is because you haven’t learned to do the basic ones with any finesse.

Karen Brody, copyright 2009. All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact the author.

If there is one thing I could get men to truly “get,” it’s that there is no magic bullet for how to please a woman – whether that’s in bed or out.

But men will search because that’s what men do. Men solve problems. She’s not sexually satisfied? Well, let’s fix that.

I’ve got to give men credit: They try hard. They go out and seek that answer because doing good by women is in their nature.

Initially, they don’t want to believe that there isn’t a magic bullet – that the path they’re on is a dead-end. Everything else can be solved by finding a solution. Is this a cosmic joke? Is she trying to hurt me, to disable me?

But when they open to it, men get that women are not to be solved, but to be loved and appreciated, and through that embrace there is great pleasure and joy with women. By letting go of the quest to “solve” women, a man surrenders and opens to love.

What women want isn’t definable in the way of a phrase, or a specific action, or a technique in bed. What women want is true greatness in a man.

Yes, being a sensitive, attuned lover has its benefits, but it’s greatness that gives shape to what lasts and to what inspires a woman’s love.

A woman wants a man who isn’t easily defeated by her disappointment, by her moodiness, by her anger, by her criticism, by her dreams. She wants a man who can love though it and see through it, and bring forth her loving core with his own.

To be a woman is to be a contradiction – not because women are trying to be difficult. It is simply the nature of being feminine. She is wired to emotions, to feeling, and everything she does is tied to her desire to be impeccable in love.

If you can make space for the feminine, not fight with it, not try to fix it, a woman will blossom and shine in your presence. If you can encourage her femininity – her sense of the world through feeling, emotion and love, she will support you in your quest to be great.

Men often make the mistake of trying to be great in bed before they’ve learned to be great lovers in the realm of the heart. This is because men tend to find love through sex, where women find sex through love.

If you really and truly want to learn how to please a woman, encourage her femininity – her path of learning to be great through loving – and be sensitive to that path, as like yours, it is mired in challenge, disappointment and triumph!

When she complains, when she is stuck in the intricacies of relationship and self-doubt, help her love through it – this is her purpose in life.

When you can be a champion for her purpose she will love you deeply and fiercely – and she will give you the gift of sex that is passionate, and from her heart.

Karen Brody, copyright 2009. All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact the author.

I like to say that how you make love is how you do everything. Think about it.

If you hold back, if you rush through, if you avoid deep engagement, isn’t this also how you are in the rest of your life?

Sexcess is about making love to your whole life! It’s about taking the most desirable qualities from Great Lovemaking (connection, passion, pleasure, openness, growth, joy) into the whole of how you live.

So imagine this: if you simply focused on the quality of your lovemaking, how that would affect everything you do! I’ve seen miracles happen when people open to lovemaking in a deeply connected way.

Want more money? Greater Joy? Make love more. You getting the theme here?

A sexcessful person makes love to life. There is no separation between how you make love and how you live, and this has to come out of making love.

You can do a bang up job at your work and it might affect your connection as a lover, it might not. But, be better in bed and it WILL affect work. It will affect earnings and quality of relationship. That’s the magic of lovemaking – it permeates everything – and the result is always, unequivocally, more love.

Karen Brody, copyright 2009. All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact the author.

My porn use is hurting my wife and our relationship. I don’t know if I’m addicted. Can you help me figure out if this is an addiction, and if so, how to quit?

Porn addiction is like any other addiction: It’s unconscious behavior acted out repeatedly to the detriment of your of well-being. It’s no different from nicotine addiction or alcohol addiction, or anything else you believe yourself to be addicted to.

What distinguishes an addiction from other habits in your life, is that an addiction has a negative effect and negative consequences on your life.

Porn is not bad or good, right or wrong, but it can be a real problem for you. It seems you are already experiencing this.

The problem for most men (or women) addicted to porn is that porn is a substitute for real intimacy and sexual pleasure with another human being. If you already have challenges with sexual intimacy, porn addiction makes it worse. Just as you can’t become adept at socializing by talking in chat rooms, you can’t become masterful at love and lovemaking, by watching other people make love.

When you get stuck on the idea that porn itself is the problem, you stop looking for the kind of solutions that work. You start thinking that porn is the enemy you need to fight.

Most so-called porn experts will tell you that you must eradicate porn from your life — that you must launch a full-scale “war” on porn. Porn is not only NOT the problem, but it is only a symptom of the REAL problem.

You don’t “have” to quit using porn. Let’s get that straight. You don’t “have” to do anything about your issue. You can use porn until the cows come home. However, if you want, and choose, to have a sexual relationship that is highly fulfilling and deeply satisfying, that is loving and intimate, you will need to make the choice to let go of porn. Porn is simply a substitute for deep, loving sexual connection. When you let it go, you make space to experience what you’ve been avoiding, or have simply never learned to cultivate.

Negative motivators do not work well.  If you say, “I have to quit porn because it’s ruining my life,” you’re using a negative consequence to force a positive change. Negative motivators are rarely sustainable.  If negative motivators worked, nobody would continue to smoke cigarettes. They’d look at the negative consequences (clearly substantiated by science) and quit. But that doesn’t happen.

While you can’t successfully use a negative motivator to inspire a positive, long-term change,  you can use a positive motivator to inspire a positive change!

Find your most compelling reason to let go of porn. What is it you most want? Is it to feel sexually free and unencumbered by shame? Is it to feel love as you make love? Is it to experience Spirit in sex? Whatever your ultimate and most desired experience, this is your focus. This is where you invest your thoughts, feelings and actions.
Once you align your thoughts, feelings and actions with your most authentic desires for sexual connection and wholeness, porn will lose its hold on you, as what’s real and deeply satisfying takes its place!

Karen Brody, all copyrights reserved 052709

What can I do if my girlfriend keeps saying she doesn’t feel like having sex with me? We live together and I just don’t know what to do!

There is always a good reason for “no.”

What’s most important is to cut through the guesswork and the stories you’re telling yourself and find out what is truly going on for her.

I often hear – from men — that women don’t like sex, that they’re not adventurous, or that they’re sexually timid. I hear all kinds of excuses (for women) from men, which have little to do with how women really are.

Typically these responses are guesswork. The man hasn’t even asked “What is going on for you?’  He got “no,” and he got “no,” and then he started guessing.

Making up stories is clearly easier than dealing with what is really going on. It’s certainly less risky than asking. It can be scary to ask because you might discover something you didn’t want to know.

But, if you don’t ask and you’re don’t find out what’s really going on, you’re living in the dark. You can’t be confident and connect deeply, when you’re afraid of what’s living and taking shape inside of your partner’s head.

What’s key to know is that you’re not responsible for her pleasure. Now this might come as a big surprise, but the reality is that you cannot “make” her have pleasure. So you can stop trying to perform for her. You cannot force her fulfillment. If you really get this, you’ll relax and let go of feeling at fault for her “no.”

As a lover, you can only be there to support and encourage her pleasure. A good heart-to-heart talk is part of helping her to reveal herself and ask for what she needs. Of course, this is a scary place to be if you’re thinking you “should” already know.

You shouldn’t know. But, you would do well to ask.

If you come from a place of wanting to help her get what she needs, you’ll feel a lot more confident, than if you assume you know and hope for the best.

What’s key is to let go of that weight of responsibility, and open to truly discovering what she is hoping and holding out for.

There is definitely confidence and courage in asking, and that is a big turn on!

Karen Brody, all copyrights reserved, 052709