Let’s start with the obstacle. The biggest obstacle to great sex is the idea that you “should” be having great sex.

This is an obstacle because if it “should” be good and it’s not, you judge and pull away. If it should be good and it’s not, there must be a reason, and your mind wants to find that reason. One place to start is your partner. If only she/he were more open. If only she/he were more adventurous. You know the drill.

Or maybe you blame yourself, or the chemistry. Whatever way you chose to resolve this dilemma, you stop investigating. And when you stop investigating, you stop learning and growing. You just stop where you are and sex doesn’t get any better. In fact, it gets worse.

We have this romantic notion that great sex just happens. If you love each other it’s great. If you’re sexy, beautiful people, it’s great. When in reality, great sex is reserved for those who cultivate great sex.

Is it any wonder that when it gets sticky, so many of us pull away?

Truth be told, what you get is the“starter kit.” You get the parts and the desire and interest, but the rest (the fulfillment, the satisfaction and the depth of connection) require ongoing attention, learning and growth.

Most people resist this level of deep engagement because the fantasy is so much easier and so much less risky.

To truly resurrect a boring sex life, you must drop this idea that it “should” be good and take responsibility for any lack of aliveness. Then show up ready to discover and learn.

Expectation is a barrier to intimacy and pleasure. By courageously letting it go, you truly show up. And through that there is the freshness you seek, and the depth of feeling and passion.

If there is one “tool” that makes sex exciting, each and every time, regardless of how you’re “doing it,” it’s presence. Put your attention on your breath, one breath at a time, and let thoughts dissolve into nothing. This will breathe life into an otherwise boring sexual experience and truly intensify your pleasure.

Karen Brody, copyright 2009. All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact the author.

I interviewed Arielle ford this past Tuesday and we talked about soul mates. Arielle is the author of “The Soul Mate Secret.” I think the most startling “secret” that Arielle revealed is that she doesn’t believe that we have one soul mate, but that a soul mate can be anyone for whom we feel a deep affinity! I imagine ears were burning on that call!

I have to admit, that even though this makes sense intellectually, some part of me had a struggle with  letting go of the romantic notion of the “one.”

The idea goes back to Greek Mythology, to the story of Plato’s Symposium. At this dinner party, Aristophanes creates a story of love, whereby The God Zeus cut humans in half to weaken their power — leaving them to search for one another for the rest of their lives.

Did this story arise out of a knowing that Plato carried within him that we are a piece of another, or did this fantastical story make it’s way into our psyches over thousands of years and become inextricably imbedded in our story of love?

Or, does this yearning to be met and completed by another simply represent our egoic fear of not being enough?

As a counselor and a coach I see how much pain and confusion arises in the search for the “one” — the agonizing over how to recognize this mythic figure, the angst that you might never find him or her.

What if the “one” is within you?

What if in wrapping your arms around  this inner “other,” you merge in the wholeness you so desperately seek?

Karen Brody, copyright 2009. All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact the author.

I had a client consultation a few days ago by someone referred to me. He told me he’d be “interviewing” several prospects.

As I listened to him talk about the issues with his girlfriend – one of those being that she isn’t grateful for all of the opportunities his income provides – I could hear many openings for healing.

He turned that “captain of industry” energy on me ultimately, and asked, “So what makes you qualified to be my counselor?”

Men tend to jump toward challenges like this, where women tend to retreat. It’s like trying to get nectar from a tree by hitting it with a bulldozer.

This is a classic example of a man using a dominant style of relating to engage a woman. He applied force instead of gentleness, and what that did is force me to retreat and withdraw my heart.  You can’t pound the loving essence of out someone.

The point here is don’t challenge a woman like you challenge your men friends, if you want to connect with her and elicit her loving. Instead cherish and encourage, and gentle her to open her heart to you. This will always produce the sweetest nectar.

Karen Brody, copyright 2009. All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact the author.

Sexcess with men is all about mastering the art of seduction.

Let me explain, and make a distinction: I had a very sexy acquaintance in college, who liked to get men to take her to expensive dinners and then ditch them when the check arrived. She was not a seductress. She was a manipulator.

I have no interest in taking you down her path or teaching you her nasty tricks. Being a seductress is a respectable art form. Women who know how to seduce elegantly and masterfully, weave men right into their gorgeous webs, and into their hearts. The true seductress has fun with men, and she knows how to hold a man’s interest, even in committed relationship.

Most women haven’t a clue how to hold a man’s attention for any length of time, as demonstrated by what happens for women in relationship. Here are 5 Keys for how to take your power back.

Key 1

A man has to feel that he cannot have you. This ignites a fire in him. If he feels that he can easily have you, typically he will lose interest. The pursuit is not a pursuit.

This dynamic will shift once you are partners, or close lovers, but initially the “chase” is essential to the man’s excitement, to his interest –and his perception of success with you. Think of a hunter. If there is nothing to catch, he gets bored and goes home.

This doesn’t entirely disappear once you are committed. He still wants to feel that you’re a bit of a challenge or he loses interest. You can keep a man wondering and chasing by never fully turning yourself over to him.

In order to apply this principle, you need to get into a mindset where you are absolutely clear that if this man NEVER wanted to see you again, (even if he’s your husband) you would be ok – to such a degree that you would live your life fully and happily, without him! It’s the only way to be so confident, so elusive, that he chases you for years to come.

The key is to date him (or if he’s your partner, engage with him) as if you could, let him go, for good — at any moment. This will free you up to be sexy, irreverent and independent.

In fact, keep letting him go on every breath. This is a daily practice for non-attachment. The less you are attached, the more you can fully enjoy him, and the more he wants to enjoy you and lavish you with his attention. When I say, “attached” I mean that you’re gripping and holding onto him out of fear. This is very different from loving him.

You’ll feel truly powerful when you aren’t clinging to his approval, his desire for you, or hopes for a relationship with him –or trying to hold onto his involvement in your relationship. Let it all go, and be free within yourself.

Key 2

Make fun of him and his efforts to impress you. Do this gently and playfully. He’s got to know you’re not impressed by what he does – that you’re looking for the man beneath the money, the car and the success. If he can’t impress you, he’ll want to. A man desires a woman who lovingly encourages and pushes him to be his best.

If you’re in a committed relationship, don’t let him get away with gifts and favors in lieu of stepping up in love. Accept them graciously, of course, but remind him that it’s his loving you seek, and invite him to love more deeply in the ways that are meaningful to you. When you accept less, he’ll regard you as easy and stop trying to get you.

Key 3

Laugh freely, and play in the sexual energy between you – as if you have all the time in the world to luxuriate in the energy of attraction. If you’re dating, don’t be sexually aggressive. If you become the aggressor, he might take advantage of that and make love to you, but you will have robbed him of the pleasure of the hunt.

You can be in charge, of course you are always in charge of your body and your choices, simply let him direct, initially.

Pace the interaction so as not to be sexual too soon – before you’ll clear that he’s really into you, mentally and emotionally – or he’ll take what he wants and never call you again. It’s simply what happens, for men, when there isn’t a deeper connection.

If you’ve taken the the time to by create emotional connection, you’ll get better results.

If you’re married, tell him what you want him to do to you, and then enjoy yourself. Really allow him to give to you and then demand more of it. Contrary to what most women think, this makes you appear as more powerful to him. The more you can ask and take, the more he finds you wildly attractive.

Key 4

Let him do things for you. It’s important for a man to feel that he can do good for you. A woman who cannot receive robs a man of pleasure. If you love yourself, receiving isn’t an issue. Simply accept with grace, and give to him when it feels organic to you. Receiving with grace is a beautifully feminine.  Remember this especially in bed. His greatest pleasure is when you allow him to lavish you with pleasure.

Key 5

Be honest and express integrity. Tell him when you’re into him and when you’re not. Whatever you do, don’t string him along. If sexual interest isn’t there, be clear. And don’t play games that make him feel powerless, by not calling him back and the like. If you’re in a relationship, be truthful when your needs aren’t being met, and ask directly and specifically for what you want, rather than punishing him by withholding sex. Never use sex as a bargaining tool. It diminishes your sexual power.

By Karen Brody, “The Sexcess Coach.” all copyrights reserved 080409.

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How To Get and Keep a Woman: Three Essential Aspects of Your Behavior

What Women Want

Men, in order to attract a wonderful woman who is also worthy of your long-term commitment, it’s essential that you are aware of what women need and desire, and how YOU must be, within yourself. Here are some important points to get you started.

What a woman wants is a man who is unashamed of his sexuality, who commands his desires by way of his confidence. She wants a man who doesn’t apologize for being a man.

A woman wants a man whose own confidence and certainty stretches her to move through her own fears with intimacy and lovemaking, to deeply embrace and surrender into pleasure and loving.

A woman wants a man who will “demand” sex from his heart, yet who doesn’t take “no” as a personal rejection, but as a challenge to deepen his mastery. A woman wants a man who declines sexual handouts and deal-making for sex, and refuses sex that isn’t mutual and fully conscious.

The “Easy Sex” Trap

Too often men are afraid of losing the sexual “opportunities” they are presented, whether they’re single or married. So choosing “conscious sex” over “available sex” can seem like a choice for having less sex, or being “less of a man” for turning down every sexual opportunity, and that can become a trap. You have to let go of your willingness to have a second-rate sexual experience, devoid of true intimacy and deep connection, to get the sexual gold.

Would you rather have a fully consensual, fully engaged partner who desires you and whose desire builds for you, or one who gives you sex to get you off her back (pun intended) and satisfy some unconscious deal with you?

What You Must  Do To Attract and Keep a Woman

If you want a deeply satisfying, highly fulfilling relationship in AND out of the bedroom, you’d be wise to choose to limit your sexual experiences to those that have the potential for what you seek.

Here are three aspects of how you MUST act if you want to walk the master’s path of sexual fulfillment for her and deep satisfaction for you, and an emotionally and spiritually fulfilling relationship for you and your partner.

Of course, these are just the beginning of a lifelong and rewarding journey.  But without practicing and mastering this approach, you’ll never be powerful in her eyes, and she’ll never surrender to you, as she desires.

1. Be OK with being a sexual man and make no apologies for your sexual desires.

Stop feeling guilty about wanting sex with her, if you do. This does not mean she owes you sex and this does not mean you force it. Its simply means that you embrace your own sexual desires, express them toward her without reservation, and then respond to her in accordance with her desires and invitations.

2. Stop acting like a beggar who needs to “earn” sex.

Never do things that you think will win you sex. That always backfires. She knows what you’re up to and you lose points and respect.

3. Don’t accept any form of sex that isn’t mutual and loving.

If you take advantage of disengaged sexual quickies (with women who you aren’t in a committed relationship with) simply because the opportunity presents itself, why would she ever give you something more meaningful? You may think that YOU got what you wanted, but you’d be fooling yourself. SHE got what she wanted, and she doesn’t necessarily want more. To attract and keep the quality woman you desire and deserve, demonstrate the integrity you want her to see, and that you also want her to bring to the relationship.

So there you have it. Three essential elements to how to “be” within yourself in order to get and keep the kind of woman who you want to be with, and wants to be with you.

Leave Your Feedback!

What do you think? Are these three things essential, or does your experience prove otherwise?

Karen Brody, copyright 2009. All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact the author.

One of the most common questions women ask about dating is “Why doesn’t he call back?”

While recently interviewing Dr. Wendy Walsh, she was asked this question by one of our listeners. Without missing a beat she said,  “Because he got what he came for.”

Ouch! It felt like a mother’s admonishment.

As hard as it is to hear and to accept this about men, this bit of wisdom contains more than a grain of truth.  I’ve had at least a hundred men back up this claim in our private sessions. I’ve heard a hundred women cry over the men who didn’t call them back after sex.

It’s not that men are predators out to hurt us and rob us of sex. They simply have different motivations. The sooner we get this, the better for all of us.

Let me explain: We women have a “Let’s date and see how it goes” attitude toward sex. We like to check a man out. See how he behaves on a date; see how he shows up in the world. See if he’s excellent in life.  If we really like what we see and feel, and sense a possibility with him for relationship, we go for sex. It’s an investment.

A man has a “Let’s have sex and see how that goes” attitude. He’s not opposed to relationship; it just comes after sex, in his mind. Let’s see first how this sexual connection pans outs and then I’m open to possibly more.

It would be like if someone said to you as a woman: “Looking for some hot sex?” you might think, “ Well yeah, but first let me find someone I’m attracted to, like and trust.”

Men think this way about relationship. They’re looking for a trusted sexual source that feels vital, real and sustaining. If that goes really well, they’re way more open to relationship. Relationship for men evolves out of sex and deep connection through sex.

When you try to get a man to talk about relationship before he is sexually primed, he just gets scared or turned off, the way you might as a woman, if he pressured you to be sexual with him, before you felt trust and a heart-connection.

Here’s where it gets complicated and sticky: If you give him sex too soon because you want a relationship with him, before he feels an emotional connection with you, he will most likely not call you again. There is nothing more for him to pursue; he got what he came for, as Dr. Walsh states.

So if a man wants sex first and a woman wants trust first, and if you give a man sex too soon and he walks, how do you ever make relationship happen?

As a woman you need to modulate the interaction. A man will jump into bed, it’s his nature. It’s the woman’s job, if you will, to hold his interest, to play in the sexual energy, and to masterfully let the connection between you deepen BEFORE you get into bed.

You know when there’s an emotional connection and when there isn’t. If you’re jumping into sex with a lot of questions and concerns, you’ve likely not build an emotional connection.

Once you have a clear emotional connection, and you feel trust that he wants more with you than sex, then be sexual with him, but do it openly and talk first about concerns and desires.

Then if the sex is good and deep and feels vital and sustaining, he will want more with you. And you will have a man who is deeply interested and engaged with you as a lover.

Karen Brody, copyright 2009. All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact the author.

When I interview men who want better sex with their partners, it’s the same disheartening dialogue again and again. It’s like a bad broken record.

“I like sex more than she does. She’s just not that into it. I don’t know why she’s not that erotic. I love it when she climaxes and I’m really into being inside of her, and I’d love to try new positions, and ….I want to figure out how to turn her on.”

Even as the “therapist,” I’m bored. Why is it so challenging for men to get that we don’t care about what you need to achieve in bed?

If you want to turn a woman off in three seconds, just get really graphic about all of the things you want to try and do. Yuk.

It’s not that we don’t like these acts, we just don’t like the way you talk about them.

There’s no intrigue when you name positions. Tell her what you want to do to her in the way you look at her, or you savor your wine — how you feed her, or moan when you place your hands under her ass — or in how you smell her hair, or push her up against a wall and eat her alive with your eyes.

Men talk about sex and give away all of the details, when what turns women on is anticipation. It’s the possibility of what you’ll do and how she’ll feel with you that makes her ache for you.

Don’t tell her on a date that you give great tongue. Demonstrate it once you’re in bed. When you tell her, you spoil the fun. Now, she’s not in the play of her imagination, she’s wondering if you can possibly live up to your claim. Chances are you can’t.

“My wife doesn’t like to try new positions.”

This is because you haven’t learned to do the basic ones with any finesse.

Karen Brody, copyright 2009. All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact the author.

If there is one thing I could get men to truly “get,” it’s that there is no magic bullet for how to please a woman – whether that’s in bed or out.

But men will search because that’s what men do. Men solve problems. She’s not sexually satisfied? Well, let’s fix that.

I’ve got to give men credit: They try hard. They go out and seek that answer because doing good by women is in their nature.

Initially, they don’t want to believe that there isn’t a magic bullet – that the path they’re on is a dead-end. Everything else can be solved by finding a solution. Is this a cosmic joke? Is she trying to hurt me, to disable me?

But when they open to it, men get that women are not to be solved, but to be loved and appreciated, and through that embrace there is great pleasure and joy with women. By letting go of the quest to “solve” women, a man surrenders and opens to love.

What women want isn’t definable in the way of a phrase, or a specific action, or a technique in bed. What women want is true greatness in a man.

Yes, being a sensitive, attuned lover has its benefits, but it’s greatness that gives shape to what lasts and to what inspires a woman’s love.

A woman wants a man who isn’t easily defeated by her disappointment, by her moodiness, by her anger, by her criticism, by her dreams. She wants a man who can love though it and see through it, and bring forth her loving core with his own.

To be a woman is to be a contradiction – not because women are trying to be difficult. It is simply the nature of being feminine. She is wired to emotions, to feeling, and everything she does is tied to her desire to be impeccable in love.

If you can make space for the feminine, not fight with it, not try to fix it, a woman will blossom and shine in your presence. If you can encourage her femininity – her sense of the world through feeling, emotion and love, she will support you in your quest to be great.

Men often make the mistake of trying to be great in bed before they’ve learned to be great lovers in the realm of the heart. This is because men tend to find love through sex, where women find sex through love.

If you really and truly want to learn how to please a woman, encourage her femininity – her path of learning to be great through loving – and be sensitive to that path, as like yours, it is mired in challenge, disappointment and triumph!

When she complains, when she is stuck in the intricacies of relationship and self-doubt, help her love through it – this is her purpose in life.

When you can be a champion for her purpose she will love you deeply and fiercely – and she will give you the gift of sex that is passionate, and from her heart.

Karen Brody, copyright 2009. All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact the author.

I like to say that how you make love is how you do everything. Think about it.

If you hold back, if you rush through, if you avoid deep engagement, isn’t this also how you are in the rest of your life?

Sexcess is about making love to your whole life! It’s about taking the most desirable qualities from Great Lovemaking (connection, passion, pleasure, openness, growth, joy) into the whole of how you live.

So imagine this: if you simply focused on the quality of your lovemaking, how that would affect everything you do! I’ve seen miracles happen when people open to lovemaking in a deeply connected way.

Want more money? Greater Joy? Make love more. You getting the theme here?

A sexcessful person makes love to life. There is no separation between how you make love and how you live, and this has to come out of making love.

You can do a bang up job at your work and it might affect your connection as a lover, it might not. But, be better in bed and it WILL affect work. It will affect earnings and quality of relationship. That’s the magic of lovemaking – it permeates everything – and the result is always, unequivocally, more love.

Karen Brody, copyright 2009. All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact the author.