Posted by Karen Brody in Let’s start with the obstacle. The biggest obstacle to great sex is the idea that you “should” be having great sex.
This is an obstacle because if it “should” be good and it’s not, you judge and pull away. If it should be good and it’s not, there must be a reason, and your mind wants to find that reason. One place to start is your partner. If only she/he were more open. If only she/he were more adventurous. You know the drill.
Or maybe you blame yourself, or the chemistry. Whatever way you chose to resolve this dilemma, you stop investigating. And when you stop investigating, you stop learning and growing. You just stop where you are and sex doesn’t get any better. In fact, it gets worse.
We have this romantic notion that great sex just happens. If you love each other it’s great. If you’re sexy, beautiful people, it’s great. When in reality, great sex is reserved for those who cultivate great sex.
Is it any wonder that when it gets sticky, so many of us pull away?
Truth be told, what you get is the“starter kit.” You get the parts and the desire and interest, but the rest (the fulfillment, the satisfaction and the depth of connection) require ongoing attention, learning and growth.
Most people resist this level of deep engagement because the fantasy is so much easier and so much less risky.
To truly resurrect a boring sex life, you must drop this idea that it “should” be good and take responsibility for any lack of aliveness. Then show up ready to discover and learn.
Expectation is a barrier to intimacy and pleasure. By courageously letting it go, you truly show up. And through that there is the freshness you seek, and the depth of feeling and passion.
If there is one “tool” that makes sex exciting, each and every time, regardless of how you’re “doing it,” it’s presence. Put your attention on your breath, one breath at a time, and let thoughts dissolve into nothing. This will breathe life into an otherwise boring sexual experience and truly intensify your pleasure.
Karen Brody, copyright 2009. All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact the author.
