Posted by Karen Brody in What can I do if my girlfriend keeps saying she doesn’t feel like having sex with me? We live together and I just don’t know what to do!
There is always a good reason for “no.”
What’s most important is to cut through the guesswork and the stories you’re telling yourself and find out what is truly going on for her.
I often hear – from men — that women don’t like sex, that they’re not adventurous, or that they’re sexually timid. I hear all kinds of excuses (for women) from men, which have little to do with how women really are.
Typically these responses are guesswork. The man hasn’t even asked “What is going on for you?’ He got “no,” and he got “no,” and then he started guessing.
Making up stories is clearly easier than dealing with what is really going on. It’s certainly less risky than asking. It can be scary to ask because you might discover something you didn’t want to know.
But, if you don’t ask and you’re don’t find out what’s really going on, you’re living in the dark. You can’t be confident and connect deeply, when you’re afraid of what’s living and taking shape inside of your partner’s head.
What’s key to know is that you’re not responsible for her pleasure. Now this might come as a big surprise, but the reality is that you cannot “make” her have pleasure. So you can stop trying to perform for her. You cannot force her fulfillment. If you really get this, you’ll relax and let go of feeling at fault for her “no.”
As a lover, you can only be there to support and encourage her pleasure. A good heart-to-heart talk is part of helping her to reveal herself and ask for what she needs. Of course, this is a scary place to be if you’re thinking you “should” already know.
You shouldn’t know. But, you would do well to ask.
If you come from a place of wanting to help her get what she needs, you’ll feel a lot more confident, than if you assume you know and hope for the best.
What’s key is to let go of that weight of responsibility, and open to truly discovering what she is hoping and holding out for.
There is definitely confidence and courage in asking, and that is a big turn on!
Karen Brody, all copyrights reserved, 060311
