There’s no better way to find out what a woman wants in bed (or somewhere else!) than to ask her directly. What a concept!
AskMen.com did just that. Relationship Correspondent Isabella Snow reports the full RESULTS here:
Who’s In Charge?
It might surprise you to learn that of the women who responded to the AskMen.com survey, their number three fantasy was FANTASY “rape.”
Let’s be absolutely clear that a rape fantasy is nothing like criminal rape. Women (at least mentally healthy women) have no desire to be hurt or violated. A rape fantasy is about being relieved of choice, essentially being “forced” to experience pleasure.
Why would a woman want to be relieved of her sexual choice?
Women can harbor a mountain of residual guilt about sex – guilt dished up by our religious upbringing, by our parents and their hang-ups, by a culture that says, “be sexy girls, but don’t have sex.”
Essentially women are raised to be the sexual “gatekeepers” of virtue. Whether we like it or not, it’s our “job” - and a thankless job, too.
I can remember, even as a young girl, boys pressing me hard to be sexual with them. That pressure, and my own sexual desires, created the incredibly difficult challenge of balancing the hand of moral judgment with the pressing urges of young love.
It’s not uncommon for the same boy who presses for sex and urges a girl to loosen her social restraints to tell his friends that she was “easy.” Sometimes the choices that girls make for love or pleasure are crushing in their social consequences.
We women have been trained to not only expect this double standard, but we have adapted by learning to seem as if we don’t want sex or don’t like sex — to seem as if we’re not choosing sex, but succumbing to it. Think of the woman who silently lies there as you make love to her, unknowingly wreaking havoc on your ego. By not saying a word, or making a pleasurable sound, she can enjoy sex secretly, and maintain her image as a “good girl.”
So a rape fantasy is, therefore, the perfect antidote to a woman’s sexual restraint.
There is no right choice or wrong choice when a powerful, all-knowing lover “forces” pleasure on a woman, when he “makes” a woman do those things she wants to do. There’s no violation of morals. No way to be judged as “bad” or “wrong.”
Often, powerful men too fantasize about being sexually dominated, as a means to surrender control.
Fulfill Her Fantasies
You can learn a lot about a woman’s secret sexual “landscape” by unraveling her fantasies.
How can you, as a man, use this information to turn a woman on and to help her tap into her own deepest desires?
Most importantly, do NOT enact a rape scene without her consent!
Begin by having a conversation with her about her fantasies. Allow her to reveal whatever fantasies she’s willing to talk about first, which will likely be fantasies that she feels are the least “threatening” and most socially acceptable. Ask her to share them with you in detail, so you don’t have to guess, and don’t “get it wrong” when the two of you fulfill one or more of her fantasies.
As she becomes more comfortable and more confident in you and in herself, you can encourage her to share more fantasies. At some point when you know she has trust in you, you can ask her if she’s ever had a rape fantasy. Not all women have this fantasy, so don’t press if it’s not there. But if she does, ask her about the details. What does her lover say? How does he take her? What is it about how he takes her that really turns her on? Does he tie her up? Hold her hands down? Tell her what she must do?
Your discussion may or may not lead to her agreement to act it out. If she wants to keep it as a mental fantasy, only, simply honor that. If, however, she feels comfortable enough to act it out with you, then plan it with sensitivity, so that it unfolds in a satisfying way for both of you.
Be Willing to Take Charge
I’ve noticed a trend toward men becoming less and less aggressive in bed, and becoming more and more sensitive to women and to what they desire.
This is good news and bad news. Good in that you’re “listening’ and attuning, and bad in that you’re throwing out your masculine edge. I can’t tell you how many women reveal to me that they wish their lovers were more aggressive in bed.
Women want men who can be sensitive and loving, and in this regard the more that you can be sensitive and loving, the better.
But women also want to be captured and taken by the wild, unbridled, even dangerous part of you. They want to feel your raw hunger –that part of you that drives you to rip her clothes off and penetrate her into oblivion. I also know that many of you men want this too.
The more you aren’t a “gentleman” the less she has to be a “lady.”
Now don’t confuse a woman’s desire to let go of her sexual control and have you exert yours for a woman wanting a sex hound. Being sexually needy is very different from being sexually powerful. Hunger comes from instinct, while need comes from a perception of lack.
How to Tap Into Your Edge
Here’s a potent visualization and practice that will help you bring the relationship of sexual power into perspective, that also helps you learn how to merge your heart and your edge:
Imagine your penis as an incredible wand of healing light – potent and loving.
Imagine penetrating your woman so deeply and lovingly with your wand of light, with so much fierce and wild abandon that you blow her heart and her joy wide open. Be focused like a tiger, certain like an eagle, wise like a wolf throughout.
This practice will center you in the power and the certainty that you need, to not only be her fantasy rapist, but also to be her deepest lover. A woman wants, simply, to surrender into love and pleasure. Your clarity and certainty of purpose, as her lover, helps make that possible.
Play with your edge. But also keep your sensitivity. This is the beauty of making love in contrast, with depth and interest.
All Contents International Copyright Karen Brody 2010. All International Rights Reserved. Contact the author for permission to reprint, or simply link to this article here.