Posted by Karen Brody in 
When a woman is complaining about something in your relationship, you probably do what any red-blooded man would do, you defend yourself. You puff up your chest and become determined to prove her wrong. It feels vital to be right – to not end up in her emotional trash compactor.
It might sound a little like this: “Not enough time with you? I just took five days off this month so that we could be together. Last Sunday I spend the entire day with you, when what I wanted was to play golf. And what about the past three Saturdays with your friends? Was that not time with you?”
There you said it and you proved yourself right. But instead of dropping it, she says something baffling like: “You’re not listening to me.”
Not listening to her? Not only are you listening, but you proved your innocence — and now she can just drop it and move on. But she doesn’t let it go, because unlike in a boxing match or a ballgame, a woman is not an “opponent” who follows the rules.
The way women communicate tends to have an emotional subtext. She might say her complaint is about a lack of time together, but what you’re not hearing is the emotional plea or subtext behind that complaint. This is the real conversation. It’s the communication she says you’re not hearing.
Women often hide their hurt behind complaints. And, also, believe that they are revealing their hurt when they complain.
Make sense?
It’s not that women are trying to confuse you. Just like men, women have a hard time expressing hurt and emotional need. It comes up a lot for women because women are deeply effected by emotions. Complaining can be a bad habit of trying to get emotional needs heard and met.
It’s not the best way to communicate and it certainly doesn’t feel good to you as a man. But if you can hear her a little differently, you can guide the conversations toward a satisfying end.
Next time ask: “What’s really at the heart of this complaint? Tell me what you’re feeling.”
This approach will take you a lot farther than building a case against her. It will also encourage her to be a more direct communicator and to complain less.
All Contents International Copyright Karen Brody 2010. All International Rights Reserved. Contact the author for permission to reprint, or simply link to this article here.
