Does Porn Undermine Intimacy?

A question asked so frequently that is warrants an answer. 

A few months ago, I presented an opportunity for my clients and subscribers to ask me questions concerning relationships and intimacy.  Believe it or not, one the most frequent questions asked was: Does porn undermine intimacy?

To be really literal here, porn itself cannot undermine intimacy, BUT, choosing it over real intimacy certainly can.

Here’s what I see a lot… it’s a classic story in my work as a coach for men:

“Tom” is married for over 5 years and notices his wife’s dwindling desire.  He begins to wonder if he can please his wife, in bed, and it weighs on him heavily.

He doesn’t know how to ask her, (and he’s afraid to know) so he spins a story in his mind that he’s not adequate in bed, or maybe she’s just not that into sex. He stops initiating lovemaking, and their connection weakens.

Feeling anxious, Tom turns to porn to feel better.

Tom finds it liberating to just watch. Nobody is judging what he does or doesn’t do. And even better, nobody has an expectation of being satisfied or feeling loved. For the first time in a long time, after his orgasm, there is no guilt.

At least that’s how it is in the beginning…

Tom is able to interact with multiple partners in one go and the thrill of the chase fills him with adrenaline. The orgasms seem more intense and pleasurable without the performance anxiety, and his imagination is fully throttled. He starts to crave a dose of this secret world, every day.

Contrast those feelings with “Erin”, his wife, and Tom feels tired before he even gets started. She feels like a handful. She needs reassurance, to be stroked and put in the mood — so much work! Where he used to enjoy seducing her and the whole warm-up process, which led to their lovemaking, his desire to connect with her now diminishes daily.


So let’s come back to the question. Does porn use undermine intimacy? It certainly can if it takes this trajectory!

And from what I know from coaching men, if Tom continues in this vein, he’ll require more and more stimulation to become aroused, and he’ll become less and less confident, as a lover, over time. 

Story sound/feel familiar?

If you find yourself getting farther and farther from what you want most in your sexual relationship, or in a dark, shameful place concerning porn, I want to suggest an outstanding program that has helped thousands of men reclaim their sexual power and discover how to have extraordinary sex lives. It’s a program created by my collegeague Jim Benson called The Multi-Orgasmic Lover. Jim is someone who’s teaching I highly respect. It’s here for you to check out. It’s a program I recommend to all of my clients. 
Jim is a high-integrity man with a lot to share with men about a powerful and profound sexuality.
You are also welcome to reach out to me to talk about shifting this for you, one-on-one. Just go to my contact page. 

How Do Men Love?

Men are designed to want to do good things in the world. When you love a woman, you take that energy to do good and to make a difference, and apply it to that woman.

That good is expressed in the way of getting things done — fixing things, putting things into motion and solving problems — essentially striving to make a woman’s life easier. You’re happy to shoulder some of your partner’s burdens, as it makes you feel useful and effective.  It’s your way of saying: You matter to me.

Men love through their dedication (to a project). If they are dedicated to woman, she is that “project,” and you will keep delivering good things her way, as long as you feel that it provides sufficient return in the way of making her happy and creating good feelings between you.

Women often misunderstand this method of love from men, and interpret it to mean that you’re only interested in fixing things and being expedient concerning feelings and needs. She can interpret your desire to solve problems and move on, as a way to avoiding truly being with her.

If a man is in pain, or suffering through a bout of self-doubt, a woman wants to embrace him and impart to him: You are loved. You are accepted. I see you. Sometimes you might welcome this kind of feminine nurturing, but mostly, I imagine, not. Mostly you want to get into action and solve the problem, and pull the “dagger” out of your gut.  A woman wants that reassurance when she’s feeling lost and hurt, so naturally it’s what she offers to you.

While there are times that a man may be good at nurturing a woman rather than moving into action to help, taking action is his most effective and succinct way to say, “You matter to me and I love you.”

We love this about men, even though at times, we long for the soothing words that require no action at all.

Is your masculinity in neutral?

8550838313_988bb45500_b_couple-in-bedI teach men how to harness their masculine powers; but, until you feel masculine power deep in your bones, it’s all a bunch of ideas and words.

I’d love to help you access and wield those powers — so that you can affect a woman’s deepening love and desire, in ways that make you feel incredible as a man.

If you lie in bed at night and wonder how you got here, (maybe it’s sexless marriage or virtually sexless one) how you became a “yes man”, or someone whose needs don’t seem to matter to anyone around you, I want to show you the way of your power, and teach you to grab the leadership reins and take a woman where she secretly yearns to go.

Being passive just doesn’t cut it anymore – not for men who want complete integrity and personal power in all areas of their lives. Refusing to step up and lead in love, only takes you down a path of diminishing fun, pleasure and desire – and for many men, divorce.

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“Open Her” A Spiritual Guide for Awakened Masculinity

Open her 3d small version If you’ve landed here today looking for a way to save your relationship, or sincerely shift the dynamics of diminishing desire, love and attraction between you and your partner, I invite you to read my book, Open Her. Open Her has been called a “spiritual rite of passage for men.” And “life-altering” for women. I wrote Open Her to inspire men to celebrate their masculinity,  and to embody the powers they possess to open a woman to ever deepening states of love and pleasure.    

I hope you get tremendous value out of it. Let me know. I’d love to hear from you.
By Karen Brody, All copyrights reserved, 2015. Please contact the author for permission to reprint this article.

What makes a man truly sexy?

odziewa-jego-samiec-z-kładzenia-7360039I’m often surprised by how little men understand women and what they’re attracted to in men.

Of course, if you’re a man, you look at the world through a masculine lense. When you see beauty, your kind of beauty, it compels you – it motivates you to move mountains or to walk through fire — to experience that woman and what she stirs in you.

And so you expect that women seek the same in men – and while women also are drawn to beauty, even seduced by it, we’re far more drawn to confidence. We’ll drop the phone to saddle up with a man who rocks his confidence!

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Awakening the Dark Knight… you’ve read the Dark Knight chapter in my book, Open Her, you know that a woman wants a man to push her sexual edge, when the conditions are right.  She wants a masterful lead, to stretch her outside of her comfort zone.

What you may not have given thought to is how to create those safe conditions. A woman will only welcome the lead of the Dark Knight when she feels emotionally and physically safe with him.

A great metaphor for this is scuba diving. In the hands of an experienced dive master – one who communicates caring and sensitivity for each person’s safety and well-being, I can relax underwater and really embrace the dive. I know he’s got my back if anything bad goes down. Oppositely, in the hands of a dive master who’s not truly attentive, who doesn’t create a sense of safety, I’m inclined to hover near the surface to play it safe.

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Is your Love Life in the Weeds?

couplenakedrex_450x300A relationship is just like a garden. When it’s well-tended to, a garden blooms into a thing of wonder. It delights and surprises you with endless possibility. On the other hand, when a garden is ignored or begrudgingly maintained, it survives, but its beauty and its potentiality are greatly diminished.

I’m often astonished at how many of my clients expect their relationships to be gardens of wonder and sensual possibility, when they devote so little time or energy to their care. So many of them barely pull out the watering can on the weekend, and then look around years later and judge that their relationship is “not working,” as if love and passion can thrive on an occasional drop of attention or intention.
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What Women Want

Zen GartenWe want a lot of things, probably too many for this post, so I’m going to share the one thing that could turn around your relationship, today. Get curious: I hear so many of you say you know nothing about women. Well, what are you waiting for? What if you suddenly took an interest in really knowing the woman you’re with? What if you asked her what she cares about, what’s meaningful for her, how she wants to be loved, what she dreams about? What if you asked: What are you feeling?

Instead of trying to “get it right” how about just getting interested? This is what you did when you were dating, and it lit her up and made her feel that she mattered to you as a human being.

By Karen Brody, All copyrights reserved, 2013. Please contact the author for permission to reprint this article.

Connecting = More Sex, Period

Symbol of yin and yang of the background.Two years ago I interviewed 100 women to find out why they lost interest in sex in their long term relationships, and the conclusion was simple and fascinating.

Ninety-eight percent of the women interviewed explained that they lost interest when they felt the connection was lost.  When I asked how they defined connection, 98 percent said that they connect by way of talking and sharing feelings and experiences.

Probably not a huge surprise, guys. But if you have ignored this fact, and now find yourself wondering what happened and why there’s a gulf between you,  you might want to consider some heart to heart talking.

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