Approach her Shamelessly

In my research on what drives couples apart sexually, I’ve discovered that women have a highly-attuned sense of when a man feels ok sexually and when he doesn’t, and it greatly affects her desire for him.

If you’re approaching a woman feeling bad or wrong about wanting sex, she feels that energetic. It seems as if you’re hiding something. And in a sense you are, you’re hiding the fact that you want sex because you feel bad and wrong.

If you feel bad and wrong how is that going to make her feel? It’s not a compelling sexual space, that’s for sure.

On the other hand, if you let it be ok that you want sex and that you’re a healthy sexual man, there’s a “clean” interaction when you express your desire. She might say ‘no,’ but at least you’ve allowed yourself to express what is real for you and that’s a powerful place to be.

When men try to hide sexual interest, they feel weak and out of integrity. You feel as if you’re trying to coerce her into loving you, and that doesn’t feel good.

Put your attention instead on wanting her, instead of wanting “sex.” It’s a very different focus. It’s ok to want her, she wants that. A woman wants to be wanted and thrives on it.

Want her more than “just sex” and she’ll shift with you. Let her know: “I want you.” And then experience the power of allowing what you want to be ok.

There’s a very big difference in your wanting to get off with her, and wanting to take her and have her. When she can feel the raw energy of your desire for her, she’ll be consumed with the desire to give herself to you!

All Contents International Copyright Karen Brody 2010. All International Rights Reserved. Contact the author for permission to reprint, or simply link to this article here.

Guys, I know you want this to be about sex. Techniques ideally. Believe me, I’d give you those techniques in extraordinary detail, if I thought they’d would actually work to get you more sex.

My passion is to help you to win with women. And as an expert on this topic, my goal is to give you the information will actually make the difference.

I won’t deny that if you’re masterful with various parts of your body at pleasing, you’ll get big points and more sex.

However, if you miss the heart of what lights a woman up, your sexual success with her will be hit and miss. Techniques are not sustainable as a diet for love.

On the other hand, get inside what flips a woman on romantically, and you’ve got the recipe for how to turn her on for life!

So three things you need to master in the romance department to turn her on, and you can begin this Valentine’s Day:

1. Connection

Connection is a “coming together” that features mutual affection.  You share how much you appreciate each other, or love each other, or see each other, or delight in one another. This creates as sense of togetherness. This is very important to women – that you feed the “we.” Time together just isn’t enough.

2. Create a sense of possibility

Romance is about what’s possible with you and together. What could happen is often more exciting than what is happening. Women love to talk about you might create together in some imaginary future. It delights us to no end.

A woman’s most ecstatic state is a state of anticipation – whether that’s in bed or on a date. Anticipation is foreplay. It’s a state of surrender — living on the edge of possibility.

The more she feels this with you, the more turned on she’ll be. This may be new to you, so don’t wear yourself out trying to be her “magic man.” But keep in mind, that a woman dreams into what’s possible, and stoking the fires of her imagination will satisfy her romantically.

3. Surprise and Delight

Women love to be surprised. Often men ask women what they want, so they don’t get it wrong.

While, it’s nice to be asked and get exactly what you want, it’s not romantic.

It’s far more exciting to open a wrapped box and surf the wave of anticipation. For us this is sexual energy.  If you investigate beforehand, you can easily and covertly figure out what she wants, wrap it, and revel in her delight!

If this idea intimidates you, get her one thing she said she wanted and throw in a surprise all your own.

Keeping a woman in a state of ongoing delight is a sure-fire way to keep her sexually interested.

All Contents International Copyright Karen Brody 2010. All International Rights Reserved. Contact the author for permission to reprint, or simply link to this article here.

Wouldn’t you like to know what fantasies run through your lover’s mind? Wouldn’t it be fun to find out, so that you could help her fulfill those you both desired to bring into reality?

There’s absolutely no better way to find out what a woman truly wants in bed (or somewhere else!) than to ask her directly. What a concept! Just ask.

AskMen.com did just that. Relationship Correspondent Isabella Snow reports the full RESULTS here:

Who’s In Charge?

It might surprise you to learn that of the women who responded to the AskMen.com survey, their number three fantasy was FANTASY “rape.”

Let’s be absolutely clear that a rape fantasy is nothing like criminal rape. Women (at least mentally healthy women) have no desire to be hurt or violated. A rape fantasy is about being relieved of choice, essentially being  “forced” to experience pleasure.

Why would a woman want to be relieved of her sexual choice?

Women can harbor a mountain of residual guilt about sex – guilt dished up by our religious upbringing, by our parents and their hang-ups, by a culture that says, “be sexy girls, but don’t have sex.”

Essentially women are raised to be the sexual “gatekeepers” of virtue. Whether we like it or not, it’s our “job” - and a thankless job, too.

I can remember, even as a young girl, boys pressing me hard to be sexual with them. That pressure, and my own sexual desires, created the incredibly difficult challenge of balancing the hand of moral judgment with the pressing urges of young love.

It’s not uncommon for the same boy who presses for sex and urges a girl to loosen her social restraints to tell his friends that she was  “easy.” Sometimes the choices that girls make for love or pleasure are crushing in their social consequences.

We women have been trained to not only expect this double standard, but we have adapted by learning to seem as if we don’t want sex or don’t like sex — to seem as if we’re not choosing sex, but succumbing to it. Think of the woman who silently lies there as you make love to her, unknowingly wreaking havoc on your ego. By not saying a word, or making a pleasurable sound, she can enjoy sex secretly, and maintain her image as a “good girl.”

So a rape fantasy is, therefore, the perfect antidote to a woman’s sexual restraint.

There is no right choice or wrong choice when a powerful, all-knowing lover “forces” pleasure on a woman, when he “makes” a woman do those things she wants to do. There’s no violation of morals. No way to be judged as “bad” or “wrong.”

Often, powerful men too fantasize about being sexually dominated, as a means to surrender control.

Fulfill Her Fantasies

You can learn a lot about a woman’s secret sexual “landscape” by unraveling her fantasies.

How can you, as a man, use this information to turn a woman on and to help her tap into her own deepest desires?

Most importantly, do NOT enact a rape scene without her consent!

Begin by having a conversation with her about her fantasies. Allow her to reveal whatever fantasies she’s willing to talk about first, which will likely be fantasies that she feels are the least “threatening” and most socially acceptable. Ask her to share them with you in detail, so you don’t have to guess, and don’t “get it wrong” when the two of you fulfill one or more of her fantasies.

As she becomes more comfortable and more confident in you and in herself, you can encourage her to share more fantasies. At some point when you know she has trust in you, you can ask her if she’s ever had a rape fantasy. Not all women have this fantasy, so don’t press if it’s not there. But if she does, ask her about the details. What does her lover say? How does he take her? What is it about how he takes her that really turns her on? Does he tie her up? Hold her hands down? Tell her what she must do?

Your discussion may or may not lead to her agreement to act it out. If she wants to keep it as a mental fantasy, only, simply honor that. If, however, she feels comfortable enough to act it out with you, then plan it with sensitivity, so that it unfolds in a satisfying way for both of you.

Be Willing to Take Charge

I’ve noticed a trend toward men becoming less and less aggressive in bed, and becoming more and more sensitive to women and to what they desire.

This is good news and bad news. Good in that you’re “listening’ and attuning, and bad in that you’re throwing out your masculine edge. I can’t tell you how many women reveal to me that they wish their lovers were more aggressive in bed.

Women want men who can be sensitive and loving, and in this regard the more that you can be sensitive and loving, the better.

But women also want to be captured and taken by the wild, unbridled, even dangerous part of you. They want to feel your raw hunger –that part of you that drives you to rip her clothes off and penetrate her into oblivion. I also know that many of you men want this too.

The more you aren’t a “gentleman” the less she has to be a “lady.”

Now don’t confuse a woman’s desire to let go of her sexual control and have you exert yours for a woman wanting a sex hound. Being sexually needy is very different from being sexually powerful. Hunger comes from instinct, while need comes from a perception of lack.

How to Tap Into Your Edge

Here’s a potent visualization and practice that will help you bring the relationship of sexual power into perspective, that also helps you learn how to merge your heart and your edge:

Imagine your penis as an incredible wand of healing light – potent and loving.

Imagine penetrating your woman so deeply and lovingly with your wand of light, with so much fierce and wild abandon that you blow her heart and her joy wide open. Be focused like a tiger, certain like an eagle, wise like a wolf throughout.

This practice will center you in the power and the certainty that you need, to not only be her fantasy rapist, but also to be her deepest lover. A woman wants, simply, to surrender into love and pleasure. Your clarity and certainty of purpose, as her lover, helps make that possible.

Play with your edge. But also keep your sensitivity. This is the beauty of making love in contrast, with depth and interest.

All Contents International Copyright Karen Brody 2010. All International Rights Reserved. Contact the author for permission to reprint, or simply link to this article here.

At a party recently, a man introduced himself, shook my hand and initiated what felt like an interrogation. “So where do you live?”

I told him.

“Yeah that makes sense. I could tell by the way you dress, those kind of hippy earrings and even your eyes. You’re definitely from Marin.”

Really, I said.

Definitely. Oh you have the look. The quiet eyes, the way you measure your words.

Interesting, I thought. I didn’t realize I’d had much opportunity to speak.

Then the barrage of questions spilled forth, like an avalanche. “What brings you here? How long have you known Jessie? What kind of work do you do? What do you think of this crowd?

He seemed determined to gather information and sum me up. As much as I indicated that his intensity and pace was annoying, with curt, flat responses, he was oblivious and unaffected. The “interrogation” wasn’t about me; it was about him.

He keeps me talking, the ball stays in his court. How many women will walk away mid-sentence? It’s a control game – like juggling. I’m talking; the ball is in the air. Once it drops, well who knows? I might just walk away.

The thing is, it’s so obvious that a guy like this is trying way too hard. He’s not confident enough to just be. He has to “force” engagement.

Now there’s good tension and not so good tension. When you’re being manipulated in this way, it’s bad tension. A woman’s attraction isn’t ignited by “grinding the mental wheels,” but by surfing the waves of energy between you. That requires pausing between what is said to actually feel the ebb and flow.

Of course ask your questions, guys, you need to ask in order to interact, but also listen. Let what she says “land.”

When you’re not afraid of silence and not afraid to feel, she’ll feel you, and that’s the tension you want to mount. It’s good to express interest through inquiry, but best to relax any agenda, if you want to win her attention, and ultimately her affection.

All Contents International Copyright Karen Brody 2010. All International Rights Reserved. Contact the author for permission to reprint, or simply link to this article here.

Nice guys. You believe you’re different from other men. You’re not just after sex like the other guys. You care, really you do.

And it shows. You listen. You do sweet things. You go out of your way to demonstrate it’s more than sex you want.

But in the end it’s sex you want, and, what’s frustrating is you don’t get much. You get relegated to the “friends” category a lot.

Nice guys do finish last and not because they’re nice. It’s because they are acting as if they’re not really men.

Somewhere along the line men got the idea that if they could just squeak by as “not really men,” they’d get more women to trust them and more sex.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work. It doesn’t work because women do want men. And they happen to be sexually attracted to men who act like men and feel like men.

Granted, women have been hurt by men and don’t like men who are only after sex, but they are still attracted to men, nonetheless.

When you pretend to not be sexually interested, she can’t feel you as a man. She can’t feel a sexual attraction. Your sex has gone under the radar.

Know that a woman wants to be sexually desired. And, as long as you’re clear and upfront and don’t hide your sexual intent, she’ll trust you. You don’t have to seem sexless to gain her trust.

It’s pretending you’re not interested in sex, or that you just want to be her friend that breeds mistrust. Be expressive of how you desire her and are turned on by her, and also that you enjoy and “get” who she is. This is a winning formula!

All Contents International Copyright Karen Brody 2010. All International Rights Reserved. Contact the author for permission to reprint, or simply link to this article here.

Do you ever wonder why the woman you’re with suddenly withdraws her sexual interest?

Do you ever wonder if it’s something you did or could have avoided?

The good news is that this unfortunately all-too-common dilemma can be avoided, simply by understanding how sexual dynamics work.

If you’re like 99 percent of red-blooded men, you’ve probably said or thought something like this in your lifetime: “I’m always ready for sex.”

Maybe you told your partner, “Anytime.” And if you’re like a lot of men, you reminder her of this everyday, yet it doesn’t increase her desire to have sex with you.

It seems normal to want sex all the time – if you’re a man. But women find such exuberance suspect. For women, the desire for sex is driven by so many shifting external and emotional factors that to be always “on” and always “hot” seems a bit disconnected from everything else.

The question that comes to women’s minds is: “Can this be love?”

Often when I help clients explore their always-ready sexual pattern, there’s an unconscious belief that a man “should” be ready. He “should” be ready because he’s a man and men are supposed to want sex – any kind of sex, anytime. Even if they’re not attracted, even if they’re married, even if there’s no emotional connection.

For men, “fear of scarcity” also affects readiness. “I’d better take it while I can get it.”

Even men who are married and get a good deal of sex or, who have enjoyed success with women casually, still have this always-ready switch turned to “on.” Having a lot of sex doesn’t guarantee a man will relax and bask in his abundance.

A man’s constant need, want and eager “trot to the gate” is not only exhausting, but leaves no room for a woman to want. Just as a man’s perception of scarcity fires him up to be a ready and eager partner, a woman’s lack of scarcity leaves her without an appetite. She lives at a virtual sexual buffet, where sex is always on the table.

A woman wants to be desired, make no mistake about that, but your being primed at the gate is not about your desire for her.  She perceives this as more about you and your pressing physical urges. So issuing a “no” is easy for her.

How to Become the Lover She Secretly Wants

If you’re under 50, testosterone can drive you to want sex, a lot. It can override your ability to think clearly and to be present. Until you reign in your sexual energy and master it, your sex drive will run you and negatively effect how your partner feels about being sexual with you.

Listen to your woman when she says: “All you ever care about is sex” because the deeper communication is:  “I don’t believe you love me. You only want me for sex.” She can sense the difference between your instinct to release, and your desire to make love to her.

It requires know-how and practice to master your innate, primal sexual desire. As you work on mastering this, you can also gain the skills for mastering your orgasm and ejaculation.

Your ability to “master” your instinctual urges makes a woman feel safe, and feel respect for you.  When she feels safe, that you in “in control” of your sexual experience, she can open herself up completely to you, and to her own pleasure.

By mastering your sexual domain, you demonstrate love and a desire to express love, and this will turn any woman into a more interested lover.

If you don’t already have my “Get Her and Keep Her!” audio program, get it now to master how to hold a woman’s sexual interest and get all the sex you want! This is the very best program on web for deeply connecting with what SHE wants in and out of bed.

http://www.getherandkeepher.com

All Contents International Copyright Karen Brody 2010. All International Rights Reserved. Contact the author for permission to reprint, or simply link to this article here.

When a woman says, “let’s be friends,” what it means in very plain language is she is not sexually attracted to you. It doesn’t mean you’re too nice for her. It means you don’t turn her on, period.

As hard as this might be to take in, the more you understand how and why you get relegated to the friends category and what you can do about it, the less it will happen for you.

Of course, not everyone will be attracted to you – even if you are physically stunning, super rich and wildly successful. There are so many subtleties that make up what attracts a woman to a man; what’s important is that you don’t get in your own way and make yourself unattractive by doing what MOST men do.

The biggest obstacle most men have to being sexually attractive is trying to seem NOT interested in sex. That’s right: Trying NOT to seem interested in sex.

You probably think this is how to gain a woman’s trust – to seem above sex.  In reality, it’s the fastest way to make “friends.”  It’s a “game plan” that practically guarantees she will not find you sexually attractive.

Couple of reasons: One, a woman wants to know that you desire her. This must be communicated subtlety, but nonetheless, communicated. “I desire you. I find you sexy. You turn me on.” You have to be clear in some way that you want to be sexual with her. If you are not clear, she will decide for you; and that decision will not work in your favor.

Everything you’ve been taught tells you not to tell a woman you want her. And yet it is exactly what needs to happen. No, you don’t want to convey that you ONLY want sex, this is what she fears – you want to convey that in addition to really liking who she is, you desire her.  A woman wants to be desired. If you miss this piece, the sexual fire will barely be a flame.

Second important piece: When you suppress your desire for her, you come across as feminine. You don’t give off the electric energy a man who is attracted and desirous gives off – the kind of energy that turns a woman on. You come across as sexless, essentially, and she feels zero attraction.

Let her know you want her; say it elegantly, and let it be a part of wanting all that she is. This is a winning formula!

All Contents International Copyright Karen Brody 2009. All International Rights Reserved. Contact the author for permission to reprint, or simply link to this article here.

When a man says “I’m not ready for a relationship,” you can pretty much bet it’s that he doesn’t want a relationship with you. I know this is hard to hear, and that there are exceptional cases, but as a rule I suggest you take this in as fact.

I don’t believe in timing, although it sounds great and yes, we all hope a relationship will drop into our lap at the perfect time, I think when its “right,” it’s simply right and time is a non-issue.

I’ve worked numerous men, who will tell a woman they don’t want a relationship, and yet remain fully open to having sex with her. I share this because you need to know that his choosing to have sex with you or to continue to have sex with you beyond his declaration of “no relationship” does not mean he will necessarily change his mind.

Men put women into two categories: Women they only want to sleep with, and women with whom they want to sleep and have a relationship. Men typically decide this within the first few dates.

It’s key that before you sleep with a man, you get clear about where he stands on this –because sleeping with him will not affect how he feels about you relationally. Of course, there are rare exceptions.

If a man wants you for more than sex, he won’t mind waiting until the emotional bond has deepened and there is a foundation of mutual affection and caring. In fact, he will likely welcome that slower, heat-building kind of interaction.

Karen Brody, copyright 2009. All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact the author.

Let’s start with the obstacle. The biggest obstacle to great sex is the idea that you “should” be having great sex.

This is an obstacle because if it “should” be good and it’s not, you judge and pull away. If it should be good and it’s not, there must be a reason, and your mind wants to find that reason. One place to start is your partner. If only she/he were more open. If only she/he were more adventurous. You know the drill.

Or maybe you blame yourself, or the chemistry. Whatever way you chose to resolve this dilemma, you stop investigating. And when you stop investigating, you stop learning and growing. You just stop where you are and sex doesn’t get any better. In fact, it gets worse.

We have this romantic notion that great sex just happens. If you love each other it’s great. If you’re sexy, beautiful people, it’s great. When in reality, great sex is reserved for those who cultivate great sex.

Is it any wonder that when it gets sticky, so many of us pull away?

Truth be told, what you get is the“starter kit.” You get the parts and the desire and interest, but the rest (the fulfillment, the satisfaction and the depth of connection) require ongoing attention, learning and growth.

Most people resist this level of deep engagement because the fantasy is so much easier and so much less risky.

To truly resurrect a boring sex life, you must drop this idea that it “should” be good and take responsibility for any lack of aliveness. Then show up ready to discover and learn.

Expectation is a barrier to intimacy and pleasure. By courageously letting it go, you truly show up. And through that there is the freshness you seek, and the depth of feeling and passion.

If there is one “tool” that makes sex exciting, each and every time, regardless of how you’re “doing it,” it’s presence. Put your attention on your breath, one breath at a time, and let thoughts dissolve into nothing. This will breathe life into an otherwise boring sexual experience and truly intensify your pleasure.

Karen Brody, copyright 2009. All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact the author.