It can be just about anything. You’re tired. You’re angry. You’re not turned on. Whatever it is, you say “no” to protect yourself from having to give.

The problem is you’re cutting your man off from “emotional intimacy.” That’s right. He needs to be touched to feel loved and he needs to touch to fulfill that need. Imagine for a really unpleasant moment if he cut you off from sharing — your emotional intimacy.

Instead of “no,” you can learn how to facilitate one important process that fosters and deepens intimacy between you:

Your opportunity is to suggest other intimate acts (with limits) that please you – such as hugging, kissing, eye gazing, head massages, lying together in stillness, breathing together, or hand and foot massages. This way you engage him in a way that feels intimate instead of shutting him down or punishing him for wanting his kind of intimacy. Often men go for sex, when what they want is to be held or to hold you.

You can say, playfully: “I want you. I just don’t want sex tonight. I’d love to be intimate, although with limits. How about if we just kiss? How about if I massage your head? That would feel really good to me.”

What’s key is to convey that not wanting sex isn’t not wanting HIM, and then SHOW him other ways to be intimate with you that are satisfying for you. He often doesn’t know that he too will find fulfillment in these other ways. Be expressive in how much you find these other acts of intimacy to be satisfying, and thank him for giving them to you, and for maintaining the boundary of no sex.

Opening yourself in this way, instead of shutting down, also makes you feel more love, and more like making love – and that’s a good thing, although not required.

A woman naturally shuts down when sex is offered before emotional intimacy. Notice this, and then use these smaller intimate acts as a way to get what you both need to feel loved and fulfilled, and to find yourselves on the same intimate page.

Karen Brody, copyright 2011 All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact the author, or simply use a link to this site.

Most of us believe that it’s our partners’ job to please us in bed. So when the job doesn’t get done so well, and expectations go unmet, clearly you know who to blame. You probably don’t fire your lover, but you might withdraw your interest and withhold expressing exactly why. As you might have already discovered, this is a recipe for sexual disaster.

If your partner is in fact responsible for the mediocre sex and lack of connection you experience, that means that you are powerless to do anything about it. Your lack of satisfaction is being done to you. You are saying: I cannot change this. It’s not my fault. And thus, nothing will change.

When I work with couples who have stopped making love for a year, 5 or even 10, it’s always the same issue. They’re stuck in blame. It sounds like this: “She’s frigid.” He’s a “sex maniac.” “She doesn’t express pleasure.” “He doesn’t last long enough.”

Until each partner takes responsibility, nothing shifts.  Blame is a brilliant strategy if you want nothing at all to change.

On the other hand, if you want to get unstuck in your relationship you’ve got to ask yourself: What am I doing to contribute to our lack of connection and lovemaking? Really listen to what comes forward for you.

Then, if you can verbalize your part to your partner – and own your part – your partner will be willing to own hers or his. Then and only then, can you can make progress toward having that passionate sex you both want.

I always tell my clients, “You’re in the relationship you’re ready for.” In other words, it’s no mistake you’re having the challenges you’re having with intimacy. It’s simply what’s up for you to learn.

The question is: Will you own your challenges so that you can take that next step on the sexual rung — to experience a greater degree of pleasure and connection — or stay stuck in blame?

I suggest that you take 100 percent responsibility for what you’re going through in your relationship, and through that, you’ll discover  the power to make things change.

By Karen Brody, 2011. All Copyrights Reserved. Please contact author to reprint or simply link to this page.

When a man says “I’m not ready for a relationship,” you can pretty much bet he doesn’t want a relationship with you. I know this is hard to hear, and that there are exceptional cases, but as a rule I suggest you take this in as fact.

I don’t believe in right timing, although it sounds great and yes, we all hope a relationship will drop into our lap at the perfect time, I think when its “right,” it’s simply right and time is a non-issue.

I’ve worked with numerous men, who will tell a woman they don’t want a relationship, and yet remain fully open to having sex with her. I share this because you need to know that his choosing to have sex with you or to continue to have sex with you beyond his declaration of “no relationship” does not mean he will necessarily change his mind.

Men put women into two categories: Women they only want to sleep with, and women with whom they want sex and a relationship. Men typically decide this within the first few dates.

It’s key that before you sleep with a man, you get clear about where he stands on this –because sleeping with him will not affect how he feels about you relationally.

If a man wants you for more than sex, he won’t mind waiting until the emotional bond has deepened and there is a foundation of mutual affection and caring. In fact, he will likely welcome that slower, heat-building kind of interaction.

Karen Brody, copyright 2009. All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact the author.

The very thing that enchants men is the very thing we most fear giving them – our vulnerability. Rather than let them see where we hurt and how we need, we hit them over the head with our pain and push them away with complaints.

Trust me, I know how hard it is to be vulnerable with men. My mother pounded into me that men are insensitive. Share feelings with men? Would you give your heart to a butcher?

My mom was a product of her time. She didn’t’ expect to be cherished, held and comforted by her man. But we women today do, so opening the gates to our hearts is essential.

It’s not easy to let a man in if you fear he will use your vulnerability against you. Yet, being vulnerable is exactly what makes a man feel he can trust you – and, that he can trust his own feelings with you.

A conscious, loving man actually appreciates a woman’s vulnerability. She doesn’t have to play a victim, or be someone he needs to save. This is where we miss the point.

There is a vast difference between being vulnerable and being a powerless victim.

There is also a vast difference between blaming a man for how you feel and launching your feelings at him angrily – and allowing him to witness you in your pain and need.

A man is attracted to a woman who is emotionally masterful. Really hear this distinction. In other words, she has what I call “Embodied Emotional Presence.” This means that you can express your feelings in a way that is self-honoring, and also honoring of your man. Very different from throwing blame and complaints.

Embodied Emotional Presence gives a man the spaciousness he needs to hear you, and you get the benefit of his affection and care.

Next time you are hurt or angry or sad and want to share feelings with your man…

A. Put your hand over your heart and take a deep breath

B. Ask him to simply listen

C. Share your heart from that place that has no perpetrator, free of words that blame or sting.

For more excellent information on how to get a good man and to keep him, there is no (other) better teacher than my friend, Rori Raye.  Check out her book, below: